Thursday, March 7, 2013

Some things I've said semi-recently

To a coworker: "You know, jewelry is always a great gift. I'm just saying, like, if I was you, and I had a girlfriend, I would get her jewelry. No woman in the process of opening a Tiffany box is going to be thinking 'Fuck, this is a terrible gift'. If you get your girlfriend a gym membership, though? Fuck you, you are awful. Seriously."

To my mother: "Mom! You can't put yoga pants in the dryer! The dryer is where yoga pants go to die! How do you not know this?! You DO yoga. I do NOT do yoga and I know about the dryer thing. You just lost your status as the Laundry Czar. Nope, no more. You've been demoted. Hand me that detergent, you're done here."

To my dad: "You can take my car, sure. Just know that the fee for using my car is a tank of gas. Yep, a tank. And the floor mats need to be vacuumed. Because you have money and I do not and you like cleaning and I do not and I got places to be, man."

To a Service Ontario employee: "Right. I understand what you're telling me. What I'm asking you, though, is if you agree that this entire thing is a money grab. The tone of your voice is telling me you agree, but I need to actually hear you say the words 'money grab'. It will make me feel better. Not even kidding."

To my Aunt: "You know, I may be vegetarian, but even I am not capable of overlooking the fact that you were in charge of the gravy for Christmas dinner and you forgot it. You will pay dearly for this crime when the carnivores realize what you've done. Prepare yourself."

To a friend: "I just ran into my ex boyfriend from highschool, and now he's just STANDING AROUND on the other side of the street, all casual like, and I am hiding in a shitty bookstore. Behind a shelf of shitty books. Because I can't breathe. And you know what? I dumped him. Seriously, though, why is he standing there? And did you hear that he mentioned where I work? HE TOTALLY LOOKED ME UP ON THE INTERNET. And then he asked me what I was doing over the holidays! Because he wanted to hang out! Where is The Prince when I need him!? I didn't even get to play the 'I am in a loving relationship' card! I didn't get to shove my awesomeness in his face, and it's infuriating! Shit, I am 17. I AM 17 AGAIN. MY LIFE IS A SHITTY MOVIE."

To The Prince: "I cannot believe that your dad gave me an injured cottontail bunny call. It's like he went into the hunting store with the intention of getting me a duck call as a gag gift, but then decided that INJURED BABY BUNNY NOISES would be more terrifying to me, and therefore more entertaining for him. Hilarious, really."

To a friend: "I was just thinking how hard it would be for me to be vegan because I'd have to live without egg salad sandwiches. And then I remembered that there's vegan mayo- it's called veganaise, I think? And I got really excited because vegan mayo would make being vegan so easy, right? I could have MAYO, and therefore also have egg salad! And then I remembered that egg salad is made of EGGS, which, DUH, and then I felt stupid. BECAUSE I'M STUPID."

To a friend: "When it comes to OTC drugs, I am totally in the dark. I'm like, oh, Tylenol? And The Prince's whole family laughs at me and are like HERE, TAKE THESE MAGIC THINGS, MIX 'EM ALL TOGETHER, IT'LL BE FINE! And see, this blows my mind. I took some Benylin the other day and then The Prince's dad made me Neocitron and I was like, "Oh, thanks, but I can't take that because I just took something else." And he just looked at me like I was dumbest, most annoying person ever. He's like, "WTF, woman, take the drugs, you are clearly suffering!" And I'm like "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE BOX SAYS" ...like Neocitron is going to murder me."

To a friend: "I am such a bitch when it comes to eBay. I'm all 'Oh, you outbid me? WELL I WILL INSTANTLY OUTBID YOUR SHIT BID BY TEN DOLLARS, MOTHERFUCKER.'"

To The Prince (and later, to a friend): "I went pee... and there was glitter."

Most sincerely,

29 comments:

  1. The skies have opened up, the angels are singing, and I've got a grin on my face like a muthafuckin' Cheshire cat because YOU'RE BACK!!! The glitter was clearly my favorite. Also the gravy. Who am I kidding, they're all my favorite.
    PS: Thank you for not posting any of MY commentary on a couple of these. :)

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  2. holy shiz! this just made my week, you're back?! thanks for the laugh this morning i needed it :) xx

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  3. I just realized how much I've missed you on my little hiatus!

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  4. Wait, they make injured baby bunny calls? How did I not know?

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    Replies
    1. Jen- probably because you're a decent human being!
      Kana- I KNOW, right? So tragic!

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  5. I'm glad you're back and I'm glad that you didn't get un-funny during your hiatus. Because that would have sucked. And also would have made this comment REALLY awkward. Phew!

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    Replies
    1. I realise that that last comment kind of sounded super sarcastic, but it really wasn't.

      Or was it?!?

      Na, it wasn't.

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    2. No worries, Martin, I'm fluent in super-sarcasm. ;)

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  6. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I miss your humor!

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    Replies
    1. I've been busy doing nothing! You know, that whole "I'll do it tomorrow" thing.

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  7. YOU'RE ALIVE. If we're being honest, 'bout fuckin' time. Jokes...

    But really...

    Give my ginger brethren my regards. :)

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    Replies
    1. I read this comment upon waking up this morning and informed The Prince of your regards. The sentiment is mutual. ;)

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  8. Woman where have you been?!?! I've missed this. I've missed it SOO much!!!

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    Replies
    1. I've been... lazy! I don't even have a good excuse :(

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  9. I am sooooo happy to read this!!!! I cannot believe that you are back here in blogland. Please stay :)

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  10. the last one...perfect. and you were seriously missed on this blog missy!

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    Replies
    1. not even a little surprised that the last one is your favourite ;)

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  11. It's been freakin forever since i've read your blog. glad to see you are still funny as ever. miss you the management - jessica

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    Replies
    1. Miss you too, Disney Freak friend of mine!

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  12. You have been missed!! Please stay?! Glad you are still talking a whole load of funny :D

    Jen xxx

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  13. There was glitter in my pee the day after my 40th birthday. There was glitter in my ears for weeks. You are hilarious and lovely. I found you through your strawberry and spinach jar salad recipe (thank you!) Rock on, dearie.

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Thanks for commenting, lovely human.