To my mother: "Mom! You can't put yoga pants in the dryer! The dryer is where yoga pants go to die! How do you not know this?! You DO yoga. I do NOT do yoga and I know about the dryer thing. You just lost your status as the Laundry Czar. Nope, no more. You've been demoted. Hand me that detergent, you're done here."
To my dad: "You can take my car, sure. Just know that the fee for using my car is a tank of gas. Yep, a tank. And the floor mats need to be vacuumed. Because you have money and I do not and you like cleaning and I do not and I got places to be, man."
To a Service Ontario employee: "Right. I understand what you're telling me. What I'm asking you, though, is if you agree that this entire thing is a money grab. The tone of your voice is telling me you agree, but I need to actually hear you say the words 'money grab'. It will make me feel better. Not even kidding."
To my Aunt: "You know, I may be vegetarian, but even I am not capable of overlooking the fact that you were in charge of the gravy for Christmas dinner and you forgot it. You will pay dearly for this crime when the carnivores realize what you've done. Prepare yourself."
To a friend: "I just ran into my ex boyfriend from highschool, and now he's just STANDING AROUND on the other side of the street, all casual like, and I am hiding in a shitty bookstore. Behind a shelf of shitty books. Because I can't breathe. And you know what? I dumped him. Seriously, though, why is he standing there? And did you hear that he mentioned where I work? HE TOTALLY LOOKED ME UP ON THE INTERNET. And then he asked me what I was doing over the holidays! Because he wanted to hang out! Where is The Prince when I need him!? I didn't even get to play the 'I am in a loving relationship' card! I didn't get to shove my awesomeness in his face, and it's infuriating! Shit, I am 17. I AM 17 AGAIN. MY LIFE IS A SHITTY MOVIE."
To The Prince: "I cannot believe that your dad gave me an injured cottontail bunny call. It's like he went into the hunting store with the intention of getting me a duck call as a gag gift, but then decided that INJURED BABY BUNNY NOISES would be more terrifying to me, and therefore more entertaining for him. Hilarious, really."
To a friend: "I was just thinking how hard it would be for me to be vegan because I'd have to live without egg salad sandwiches. And then I remembered that there's vegan mayo- it's called veganaise, I think? And I got really excited because vegan mayo would make being vegan so easy, right? I could have MAYO, and therefore also have egg salad! And then I remembered that egg salad is made of EGGS, which, DUH, and then I felt stupid. BECAUSE I'M STUPID."
To a friend: "When it comes to OTC drugs, I am totally in the dark. I'm like, oh, Tylenol? And The Prince's whole family laughs at me and are like HERE, TAKE THESE MAGIC THINGS, MIX 'EM ALL TOGETHER, IT'LL BE FINE! And see, this blows my mind. I took some Benylin the other day and then The Prince's dad made me Neocitron and I was like, "Oh, thanks, but I can't take that because I just took something else." And he just looked at me like I was dumbest, most annoying person ever. He's like, "WTF, woman, take the drugs, you are clearly suffering!" And I'm like "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE BOX SAYS" ...like Neocitron is going to murder me."
To a friend: "I am such a bitch when it comes to eBay. I'm all 'Oh, you outbid me? WELL I WILL INSTANTLY OUTBID YOUR SHIT BID BY TEN DOLLARS, MOTHERFUCKER.'"
To The Prince (and later, to a friend): "I went pee... and there was glitter."