Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Some things I've said while preparing to move across Canada


Did you miss me?

Jumping right in:

1) "We don't need to take all those hangers home. No, we don't. NO. I am not making room in the Jeep for fifty clothes hangers. Fifty scarves, absolutely, but hangers, HELL NO."

2) "The longer I stand in this tiny shower, the more it begins to feel like a cage of wet. A CAGE OF WET. It's like I'm a cat, and it's early, and I hate water, and now I'm trapped in this horrible CAGE full of WET."

3) "Did you know that we have four kinds of vinegar and also roughly 12 kinds of shampoo? Do you think that's normal? No? Maybe I'm some kind of cheating whore when it comes to vinegar and hair products?"

4) "We are not bringing your 'bottle of ocean' back to Ontario. No. Because it's not a 'bottle of ocean'. That, my dear, is an old water bottle that you filled with stanky ocean harbour water. You've given it sentimental value and I HATE YOU FOR IT."

5) "So I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at that motel I booked. There are no pictures of the rooms online. And it's called "The Beaver Motor Motel". Northern Ontario sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be murdered there. By a beaver."

6) "Oh, let's see... how was my night... OH. I had a breakdown where I cried because my glasses are all scratched up. So then I Googled ways to make the scratches less visible. Then I rubbed toothpaste all over my glasses because that's what the internet said. It didn't work. My glasses are minty fresh but they're still covered in scratches and now MY EYES ARE BURNING."

7) "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. No. No. NO. We are not going to couch surf at your coworker's cousin's house. Because it's insane. What would we do, show up in the middle of the night and be like 'OH HEEEEY. My mother works with your cousin from Ontario that you hardly know. Let us into your home!' We've already agreed to stay overnight with one of dad's buddies from university- I think that's enough awkward for one road trip, okay?"

8) "Why are you laughing so hard? Oh. You sprayed whipped cream directly into your mouth. That's hilarious, sweetie, really. I'm seriously impressed. You're so attractive. I love you. NO, STOP. STOP SPRAYING IT INTO YOUR MOUTH. NO MORE. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS."

9) "Yes. I was alone all day long so I ate the cookies. Packing stresses me out, okay? I am not sorry."

10) "I brought the scissors with me as a weapon. Stop laughing! I was looking at scary things on the internet when you called me to come and pick you up, so on my way out the door I grabbed the scissors. It's dark and stormy out! Scissors would be useful if I ran into a bad guy! ... Well, no, I don't think I could actually stab anyone, but I could probably stab a bear. Or, better yet, since they're scissors, if I came across a bear I'd be like, SNIP SNIP, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T HAVE EARS ANYMORE!"

Much love,

P.S. I would never actually cut off an animal's ears. I swear.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

And then The Prince adopted a gun rack

While putting groceries in the back of the Jeep:

Me: "What the fuck is that?"

The Prince: "That's my new gun rack."

Me: "You don't own any guns..."

The Prince: "Okay, well, you know how you see all those things on Pinterest, and then you're like 'Let's get a giant wooden spool to use as a coffee table?'"

Me: "Yes..."

The Prince: "Well, I found this gun rack at work the other day. Apparently a customer left it and no one else wanted it. I thought maybe I could put it in the back of the Jeep as an organzier, so I adopted it and now it's a repurposed-gun-rack-organizer."

Me: "Let me be straight with you. This thing is a piece of shit and we're getting rid of it. Now."

The Prince: "NO we're not. It holds things perfectly! Look how it's cradling this cereal box! It's an ideal Jeep accessory."

Me: "It takes up so much space! AND it's BABY BLUE. Some hillbilly slapped together a few hunks of wood, painted the whole thing baby blue and called it a gun rack, and now, thanks to your profound stupidity, this atrocity has made its way into MY LIFE."

The Prince: "I'm keeping the gun rack."

Me: "NO. We need all the space in the back of the Jeep to carry my things home to Ontario, and believe me, that gun rack is not coming with us. I'm leaving it on the side of the street for a freegan to pick up."

The Prince: "Maybe I'll just get a gun for the gun rack, and then what will you do?"

Me: "Honestly?"

The Prince: "Honestly."



Friday, October 5, 2012

And then there was an announcement and also pictures because I'm struggling with words

My anxiety is kind of kicking my ass these days.

Oh, and the binge eating?

Yeah, that too.

In other, happier, news:

I've landed a new job (!) that I'll be starting in a month.

And by the time I start that job, I'll be living back home in Ontario again.

This is beautiful, wonderful news.

Yes, The Prince is coming home with me.

...It's almost like he loves me or something.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend,

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

And then I told a cop that The Prince's Jeep is a piece of junk

On Friday afternoon I was shopping with my friend Nora.

I had dropped The Prince off at work earlier in the day so that we would be able to drive around in his Jeep.

This, my friends, is the Jeep that I've named "baa baa bad Jeep".

Because it's such a hunk of junk.

Anywho, I'm driving the Jeep, and we're approaching a busy intersection.

I was about to make a left turn.

And then the Jeep just stopped.

It shut off.

It was done.

Nora and I exchanged glances and started to laugh nervously.

I grabbed my phone and called The Prince:

Me: "HEY. Your piece of shit Jeep just SHUT OFF."

The Prince: "That's what happens when you turn the key toward you."

Me: "THIS IS NO TIME FOR FUNNY. I'm serious, I'm in the middle of an intersection, the Jeep is stopped, I can't get the keys out, I can't turn them, I don't know what to do."

The Prince: "Okay, calm down."


The Prince: "Did you-"

Me: "Holy shit, there's a cop, I gotta go."

So then this cop pulled up behind me and came to the window:

Cop: "What's going on here?"

Me: "I don't know, it just shut off, can you help me? I'm sorry I'm holding up traffic."

Cop: "I can take a look."

Me: "Thank you, thank you."

Cop: "Oh."

Me: "What's wrong?"

Cop: *fiddles around, starts Jeep with no issues*


Cop: "You know you have to put a vehicle in park to start it, right? You still had it in gear."

Me: "Crap. I know that. I can't believe I just did that. I'm sorry. I don't know why it stopped."

Cop: "Well, I'd like to know why it stopped. That's kind of an issue."

Me: "It's not my Jeep, it's my boyfriend's. I think it's a piece of junk."

Cop: "Oh. Okay. Move along, then."

So then I got back in the Jeep:

Me: "Nora, we are not going to tell The Prince what actually happened here. We're not telling him that I didn't put it in park. This whole ordeal is all his fault. We're going to say that the cop did something magical to make it start."

Nora: "Okay. I'm on board with the plan."

And then later, when we picked The Prince up from work:

Me: "Hi sweetie."

The Prince: "Hey guys."

Me: "So, I hate your Jeep."

The Prince: "You couldn't start it because it was still in gear, am I right?"

Me: "No, you're not right."

The Prince: "I know I'm right. The truth is written all over your face and even Nora's face."

Me: "It wasn't still in gear!"

The Prince: "Yes it was."


With embarrassment,