Thursday, September 27, 2012

And then The Prince needed some cheese to go with his WHINE

Last night while cleaning the apartment:

The Prince: "What time is Nora getting here tomorrow?"

Me: "I'm not sure yet, probably sometime after dinner."

The Prince: "So I can have a bloody steak before she gets here, then?"

Me: "You could, yeah-"

The Prince: "I'M JUST SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SPENDING THE WEEKEND WITH TWO HERBIVORES. I AM A CARNIVORE AND I NEED MEAT. MEEEAAATTTTT."

Me: "What? That is ridiculous. You LIVE with me, all of the time, and you survive just fine on vegetarian fare. AND you ate an entire bag of beef jerky last night."

The Prince: "But Nora is a VEGAN."

Me: "So? We eat vegan meals all the time. All the soups I make you? Vegan. Stir fry? Vegan. The burgers we have? Vegan."

The Prince: "Okay, but I'm scared that Nora is going to infiltrate your brain, and she'll turn YOU into a vegan. And then you'll stop buying cheese, and there will be no scrambled eggs allowed on the weekends, and you'll just make me eat SALAD. EVERY. DAY."

Me: "You want some cheese to go with that whine?"

The Prince: "YES. THAT IS EXACTLY MY POINT. I WANT CHEESE. ALWAYS AND FOREVER."

Me: "I'm not giving up cheese."

The Prince: "You're not?"

Me: "No."

The Prince: "You're sure?"

Me: "Yes. Because NACHOS. In other news, though, I do want to pick up some vegan ice cream before Nora gets here. It's actually really delicious."

The Prince: "OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING IT'S TOTALLY HAPPENING! YOU'RE TURNING INTO A VEGAN! NOOOOOOO!"

Yours,

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

And then there was a phone call about milk

When The Prince called me from the grocery store:

"You want soy milk, right?"

"Yes."

"The unsweetened kind?"

"Yes."

"Would rice milk be okay?"

"Yes."

"What about almond milk?"

"Yes."

"So, any kind of milk that isn't actually milk?"

"Yes."

"Can I just get the one that's on sale?"

"Yes."

"I don't think I will, though. It looks cheap. The almond milk package looks nicer. Can I get it?"

"Yes."

"You're just using it for cereal, right?"

"Yes."

"It's about 4 bucks, is that an okay price?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I should go to the other store?"

"HOLY SHIT JUST PICK ONE IT'S ONLY MILK."

"See, outbursts like that are why I ask so many questions."

"You're an asshole."

"I just can't win, can I?"

"No."

Sincerely,

Sunday, September 23, 2012

*Click*

I don't even know what this was about. Might have something to do with the fact that there was vodka in those cups.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

*Click*

Tiny flowers in a shot glass? Hells yeah. Our apartment is one classy place.

Friday, September 21, 2012

And then my mom played matchmaker

My mother called me at work yesterday:

Me: "Hi mom. You know I'm still at work, right?"

My mom: "Yes, but this is important."

Me: "Okay. Go ahead."

My mom: "Well. You know Michelle*, the younger teacher I work with?"

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent victims of my mother's actions.

Me: "Yes, of course. I've talked with her many times. She's friends with a bunch of people I know."

My mom: "Right. Yesterday, she was telling me about how she went to a wedding last weekend and that she had tried for months to come up with a good date to take, but she didn't find one. She ended up bringing her gay best friend."

Me: "I see no issues with that scenario. Gay best friends make the best wedding dates."

My mom: "I didn't say there was an issue, I'm just saying that I know Michelle is looking for a boyfriend; she's lonely and I just think she's such a sweet, nice girl."

Me: "Okay..."

My mom: "She even adopted a dog so that she would meet new people at the park, and it's not working!"

Me: "OKAAAAY."

My mom: "So, you know your friend Jason? I drove by his work about an hour ago on my lunch and this plan just jumped into my head! I want to set Michelle up with Jason! Jason is such a nice guy! And isn't he 31? Michelle is 31! And they both like dogs!"

Me: "Mooooom..."

My mom: "Jason is looking for a girlfriend, right? I remember when he came over in the summer he said he was thinking about online dating! Michelle has been talking about that too, so I figure I can save them the trouble and just introduce them!"

Me: "Mooooooooooom..."

My mom: "Maybe I could invite them both over for dinner? Your dad and I can ease them into the idea of going out?"

Me: "Whoa whoa whoa. You know there's not a chance in hell that dad is going to help you with your shenanigans."

My mom: "You're right. Your father is such a mean old thing. Anyway, I need you to text Jason and see if he's interested. Tell him she's cute. She's cute, right?"

Me: "Sure. Cute. But you're not hosting dinner, mom. If they want to meet up, they can go to a bar like normal people who date. You sitting them down at the kitchen table for a meal sounds terrifying."

My mom: "Did you just say that I'm terrifying?"

Me: "Not exac-"

My mom: "Just be helpful, okay? Text Jason. I'll make sure Michelle is okay with me giving out her number. Go test the water and then report back to me."

Me: "You are not the boss of me, lady."

My mom: "AND AFTER ALL THE THINGS I'VE ONE FOR YOU..."

Me: "Fine! Fine! I'm texting Jason! I'm texting him right now!"

My mom: "Right, and then call me back! I'm so excited!"

With a slow head shake,





P.S. I'm still a newbie on Twitter so there's lots of potential for you to see me embarrass myself on there. Find me @princeandprozac

Thursday, September 20, 2012

And then we went shopping for some Princely clothing

We went to Winners last night to find The Prince some more business attire. (For those of you unfamiliar with the Canadian awesomeness that is Winners: it's the same as a Marshall's.)

The Prince: "I have decided that I will try on no more than five shirts and five pairs of pants. Choose wisely."

Me: "That's fine with me. Trying to find clothes to fit you is like trying to dress a string bean."

The Prince: "Fine."

Me: "Okay, here, try this stuff on."

The Prince: "You have to come with me!"

Me: "No, I have to go look at boots."

The Prince: "But what if the pants look funny and I can't tell?!?!?"

Me: "Okaaaaaay. But then it's boot time."

Half an hour later:

Me: "HOLY SHIT HURRY UP I SWEAR IT TAKES YOU TEN MINUTES TO CHANGE IN AND OUT OF SOME PANTS."

The Prince: "You're just cranky because you're currently in your version of shopping heaven and I'm not letting you run wild and free."

Me: "That might be it, actually."

The Prince: "I'm getting these things. Let's pay and leave, I'm hungry."

Me: "But what about the boots!?"

The Prince: "Fine, five minutes of boots."

Me: "And then the purses."

The Prince: "No."

Me: "And then the scarves!"

The Prince: "No."

Me: "Come on, you OWE me a scarf for sitting on that bench alone and being well behaved."

The Prince: "Noooooo."

Me: "Maybe you should get new socks?"

The Prince: "No."

Me: "But the jewelery section, they have big tacky rings I want to try on!"

The Prince: "No!"

Me: "I want to look at all the stationary."

The Prince: "NO."

Me: "I need a new wallet?"

The Prince: "You have 27 wallets! No more wallets!"

Me: "But what abou-"

The Prince: "NO NO NO NO NO....no."

Me: "This was not a fun shopping trip."

The Prince: "Are you just saying that because you didn't get anything?"

Me: "Yes."

Sincerely,


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

And then I got twitter (also, *Click*)

@princeandprozac. If you're a bird, I'm a bird. Come be a bird with me? Get it? Twitter and birds? OH EM GEE I AM SO FUNNY YOU GUYS.

And then The Prince won an argument for possibly the first time ever

Getting into bed after I finished painting my nails with really glittery nail polish:

Me: "Wow! Every time my nails come into my field of vision, they're all I can look at!"

The Prince: "That's because your attention span is, in general, zero."

Me: "No, I don't think it's that. I think it's because I like shiny things so much. I'm like a magpie."

The Prince: "What's a magpie?"

Me: "A bird that is attracted to shiny things. I think they collect sparkly things in their nests."

The Prince: "That sounds made up."

Me: "It's not! I know it's not because there's the magpie bird in The Secret of NIMH! You know, the big black bird in the movie? He likes sparkly things? I think his name is Jeremy."

Jeremy the magpie: "Ooooh a sparkly!" [via]

The Prince: "I don't think that a fictional character possessing such a trait makes it true, sweetie."

Me: "Fine! I'll Google it!"

The Prince: "Okay, but don't get angry when I'm riiiiight..."

Me: "You're not right. You're never right. Here's the Wikipedia page. I'll read it to you."

The Prince: "Okaaay."

Me, reading from Wikipedia: "...The Magpie has long been associated with a habit of stealing or otherwise collecting shiny objects... howeverthisbeliefhasnoevidenceinwildlifestudies."

The Prince: "Wait, what was that? What was that last part? I missed it. Say it again!"

Me: "IT SAYS THIS BELIEF HAS NO EVIDENCE IN WILDLIFE STUDIES."

The Prince: "So I'm right! Hahaha! I'm RIGHT!"

Me: "Fuck you, go to sleep."

Cheers,

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

And then the Prince brought me a salad

Yesterday, on the phone, shortly before lunchtime:

The Prince: "What kind of salad do you want for lunch today?"

Me: "I don't know. I'm not up for serious decision-making right now. You can just pick one and surprise me."

The Prince: "What about the kind with the almonds and the mandarins?"

Me: "No no no, not that kind. I'm really tired of mandarins right now."

The Prince: "So I can just PICK ONE, but I can't actually pick one because you're tired of mandarins."

Me: "Yep. Gotta go. See you soon."

Roughly 15 minutes later, The Prince shows up at my office:

The Prince: "Okay, so I got you a caesar salad."

Me: "Baby, caesar salad dressing has anchovies in it."

The Prince: "I know! Which is why I got you buttermilk ranch dressing instead! I know you do that sometimes- you get caesar salad with ranch dressing instead- so that's what I got you! I am the best!"

Me: "Ohhhh you're so cute. Thank you."

It was at this point that The Prince took my salad out of the bag and set it on my desk. I looked at the salad. Then I looked at The Prince. Then I looked back at the salad and then back up at The Prince.

Me: "Sweetie..."

The Prince: "Yes kitten?"

Me: "There's bacon all over this salad."

The Prince: "NOOOOO."

Me: "Yeah. That's bacon. Lots of bacon."

The Prince: "Well, it's probably not real bacon."

Me: "Seriously?"

The Prince: "You're not going to eat this, are you?"

Me: "Nope."

The Prince: "I amazes me that I forget about you being vegetarian so frequently."

Me: "Yep."

The Prince: "Can't you just pretend there's no meat? Or pretend they're the veggie bacon bits we have at home?"

Me: "Nope."

The Prince: "I hate vegetarians."

Me: "I know."

The Prince: "Well, here, have some apples, then. I'm going back to my work to eat TWO caesar salads, and I'm going to enjoy every bit of bacon on them."

Me: "Okay."

The Prince: "WHY AREN'T YOU BEING OUTRAGEOUS ABOUT THIS? I feel guilty because you're NOT getting angry. If you were angry, I'd be like 'well screw you, I tried', but now you're doing this whole 'It's okay sweetie, I know you tried' and THAT'S making ME angry."

Me: "I love you."

The Prince: "I LOVE YOU TOO, but I am leaving and I am not pleased."

With a grin,


Monday, September 17, 2012

And then I called my mom to ask if my brother was still alive

This morning on the phone:

My mom: "Hey doll."

Me: "Hi mom. How's it going?"

My mom: "Good... why are you calling me so early? Are you even at work yet?"

Me: "Nope, still in bed actually. Just a quick question for you."

My mom: "Okay..."

Me: "How's The Bear? Is he like, sick or anything?"

My mom: "No? He was sick earlier last week. He said he felt like he was dying then, but he's much better now."

Me: "Oh, interesting."

My mom: "Why?"

Me: "Well, it's interesting that he said he felt like he was dying."

My mom: "WHY?"

Me: "Because I just had a dream that The Bear died."

My mom: "YOU WHAT?!"

Me: "Yeah. It was Christmastime and I guess he died in the hospital... something about his whole body being toxic? And then no one actually informed me of his passing until you reminded me I needed to return his Christmas present because he was no longer with us."

My mom: "I am at work right now! You can't just call me and tell me you're dreaming about your brother dying!"

Me: "I'm just checking in, making sure he's okay and all. Maybe make him drink some juice when he gets home? The dream nurse at the dream hospital was insistent that if he drank some juice, he would get better."

My mom: "You are not just checking in! You're having this conversation specifically to get me going!"

Me: "Moommmmm. I wouldn't do that. If it's any consolation, I was really saddened by his death in the dream."

My mom: "You know that now I'm going to worry about your brother all day long! I'm going to have to call him at work to make sure he's okay!"

Me: "Yeah. I need to go get ready for work now."

My mom: "I wonder if he's still sick and he's not saying anything? I told him to make a doctor's appointment!"

Me: "Okay mom, I'm hanging up now..."

And once I was off the phone:

The Prince: "You are an evil, evil woman."

Me: "No shit. I'm also hilarious. I'm positive that my mother is currently phoning The Bear at his work to make sure he's not dying. How many levels of awesome is that?"

Regards,


Sunday, September 16, 2012

*Click*

This may be the crappiest cell phone pic evaaaahhhh, but it was from the best concert ever. Love my 3eb.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

*Click*

This is our landlord's puppy, Rusko. (Yes, they named him after a dub-step musician?!?!) He doesn't stand still, so this is the best picture I have of him. He loves me. More than his owners. Seriously.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Some things I said this week

1) "Dad, I really think you need to reconsider the way you answer calls to your cell phone. 'Whaddaya want?' really isn't that welcoming. I get that maybe that's your intention, but come on, most of the time, you KNOW it's me calling, and asking me 'what I want' right off the bat is just insulting. In other news, I need that hundred bucks you promised me."

2) "I read an article about a woman going through labour today, and she said it was as if the bottom half of her body was ripping away from the top half. I know you want kids, but we may have to revisit that topic, okay?"

3) "My mom just sent me a text. She's sick right now and she's all upset because my dad is saying she's 'septic' and he won't go near her. Hilarious, no?"

4) "The best part of my day today was when I called Gina and then her cat started talking to her in the background, so I got to listen to her and her cat have a little conversation about the cat's dinner and how it was delayed."

5) "My brother just told me that he's interested in girls, but definitely not in girlfriends. That makes him a dick, right? My little brother is dick. Not surprised."

6) "Okay, I know it's a funny picture, but it's not funny enough for you to be HOWLING like this. Yes, it's a cat, and he's wearing a sombrero and a poncho. What do you mean that's not it? It's because his name is Kyle? Why is that so funny? Calm down! WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY? It's funny because Kyle is a ridiculous name for a cat?! You're insane."

Kyle in his sombrero and poncho [via]

7) "What's your Facebook password? I need to go into your account so I can post on Alex's wall about how awesome I am, but then because I'm in your account, it will look like it's YOU telling her how awesome I am. I know it's really not that funny, but it's late and I'm tired and I just want to shamelessly self-promote on someone else's Facebook wall, okay?"

8) "I have to pee, but I can't go alone. I need you to escort me to the bathroom and then guard the door. That last episode of Damages just totally fucked with my sense of safety. I'm positive there's a murderer hiding in this apartment as we speak. Who do we know that would try to have us killed? Anyone? Anyone?"

9) "Moooooommmmmm. The Prince is late AGAIN so I'm standing on the side of the street like a homeless person! I'm so angry! What do you mean he probably has a good reason for being late?!?! Why do you think I just called you, lady? I called you so you'd sympathize with my plight! I look like a bum standing here alone! BE ANGRY WITH ME."

10) "No no no no no no no no no no. NO. No. NOOOOO. We are NOT going camping this weekend. No we're not. No. No we're not. I am not going ANYWHERE that lacks toilets. NO. Remember the last time we went camping?! YOU'RE A BAD BOYFRIEND."

Happy Friday,

Thursday, September 13, 2012

*Click*

I don't really have much to say about this one, you guys, other than the fact that when I took this, I was really, really happy. I was driving around on a hot summer night with The Prince, feeling all infinite and shit. You know what I mean?

And it's like this every. single. morning.

While rushing to leave for work:

Me: "Okay, are you ready to leave?"

The Prince: "Yep, I think so."

Me: "Get the keys, we're outta here."

The Prince *feeling his face*: "Do you think I need to shave?"

Me: "It doesn't matter if you do, I'm supposed to be at work right now. We are super late. Let's go."

The Prince: "But do I look like a dirty greaseball?"

Me: "No, come on, move along."

The Prince: "I think I'm gonna shave. Hang on."

Me: "NOOOOOOOO. Why do you ALWAYS do this to me?!"

The Prince: "I'm sorry! I work with people! I can't look dirty!"

Me: "Whoa whoa whoa. You work with people? What are implying? Are you saying I work with chimps or something? And what do you MEAN you can't look dirty? Are you saying that I LOOK DIRTY?!?!"

The Prince: "No! I'm just trying to shave! Shut up, I need to focus."

Me: "I think you use way too much shaving cream, for the record. You look like Santa. GINGER Santa."

The Prince: "Can you just go eat some cereal or something? As in get out of the damn bathroom?"

Me: "No can do, my dear. I feel I have to stay here and apply pressure to the situation, because if I don't, you might dilly-dally."

The Prince: "Did you just say 'dilly-dally'?"

Me: "Yes?"

The Prince: "I knew you were older than me, cougar of mine, but wow, now you're my grandmother."

Me: "YOU ARE SUCH A JERK."

The Prince: "Who says dilly-dally? Seriously? Who, other than you?"

Me: "All the cool kids? I don't know, but you have shaving cream inside your ear at this point."

The Prince: "No I don't."

Me: "Yes you do, ginger Santa."

The Prince: "Don't call me that!"

Me: "DON'T DILLY-DALLY."

The Prince:  "Calm down. It's not like you're ever on time for work anyway."

Me: "Who ARE you? My mother?!"

The Prince: "Perhaps, but you're still a grandma for saying 'dilly-dally.'"

Me: "Screw this, I'm going to go get in the Jeep."

The Prince: "Careful, it's kind of a high vehicle to get into- wouldn't want to break a hip."

Me: "GINGER SANTA."

And I'm not even kidding, you guys: it's like this every morning.

Sincerely,

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

*Click*

When a coffee shop serves things in cups with these kinds of options on the sides, how could it NOT become your favourite place to hang out in the history of ever? Getting London Fogs at The Bean Scene in Kelowna is truly one of the greatest things about living here.

Lies I have recently told my mother

1) "Yeah, yeah, I totally have a list of everything I want to buy all planned out for that shopping trip in NOVEMBER. Yes, I know exactly what I'm going to get at which stores."

2) "You should send cupcakes to work with The Bear. For the mechanics. I think he likes the pink ones you make the best."

3) "I'm doing really well with the whole saving money thing. I haven't bought a single new scarf yet this month."

4) "It's not like I buy coffee every morning. No it's not. No. it's. not. And I need that expensive shampoo I buy. I do so! If I don't use it my hair will turn orange!"

5) "Yeeaaaah but I really don't think you should cut your hair that short again. I don't know. Dad doesn't like it. Yes. He told me that. He did."

6) "My kitchen is not a mess, Mom. If you walked in here right now, you would be impressed. It's not like I'm eating cereal out of wine glasses."

7) "I did not call Grandma before I called you. No I didn't. I haven't talked to her yet. No. She's making it up, Mom. Yes she is."

8) "Grandma did not send me fifty bucks in the mail. No, she doesn't do that. She doesn't put cash in every card she sends to me."

Why yes, I did cover my name with a moustache.

9) "Oh, you're reading Fifty Shades of Grey. That's awesome. Good for you. No, I don't know what it's about."

10) "Mom, why do you think I'm always late for everything? I am not late for work every day. Accusations like this are why I live ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY, Mom."

Le sigh,


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

*Click*

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that Jet is actually my parents' dog, but when we visited, he was MY. BABY. I played with him as much as I possibly could. He's my silly little rabbit dog. (Look at his ears! And he jumps SO HIGH.)

And then The Prince tried (and failed) to use sneak tactics

The Prince called me at work yesterday because he was lonely (and hungry) at home while trying to enjoy his day off.

During our phone chat, he made the following request:

"Can you pick me up a meat lovers' pizza for dinner? And um, some barbeque wings? And Doritos, I really really want Doritos. Two bags- one cool ranch and one dill pickle."

And HE chastised ME for eating a whole bag of goldfish last week. Yeah.

Anyway, because I am occasionally nice to my boyfriend, I decided to grant him his three wishes. While I was busy running around downtown Kelowna picking up the things The Prince had asked for, I found myself being inundated with text messages from him.

Below, you will find the variety of messages that The Prince sent to me while he was awaiting the arrival of his feast. You will notice that he went for the sneak tactic of pretending to be excited for me to get home, which, I agree, was a good call. However, we all know he wasn't really excited to see me- he was just looking forward to stuffing his ginger face full of junk.

Just for you guys, I have translated The Prince's seemingly lovely texts into what they actually meant:

Text: Love you :)

Meaning: Where are you? Where's my food?

***

Text: I love you kitten

Meaning: Seriously, where are you? I hope you got the right wings. And Doritos.

***

Text: I loooooooove youuuuuuuuu 

Meaning: WHY AREN'T YOU TELLING ME WHERE YOU ARE?! WHAT IS TAKING SO DAMN LONG?!

***

Text: Kitty kitty kitty :)

Meaning: I am so hungry. Come home and feed me. Please. I'm not messing around. Where are you?

***

Text: Where is you kitten? :)

Meaning: No time for games anymore. I'm being blunt. Answer my texts. Now. I WANT MY FOOD.

***

Text: I wants kiiissss kittttttty!

Meaning: Pleeeaaaasseee get here soon, I'm dyyyyying of a hunger that only pizza, wings and Doritos can solve.

***

The Prince denies that the above text messages have any deeper meaning.

He's lying.

Tell me I'm right about this- because I am.

Boys are such jerks, amirite?

High five,

Monday, September 10, 2012

*Click*

What's your favourite song right now? Jack Johnson's At or With Me has been stuck in my head for daaaaays. It's such an ear-worm type song.

First Kiss Locations: A List

Here is an honest list of all the places where I've had first (that sometimes doubled as last) kisses:

1) Behind an elementary school.

2) On a trampoline.

3) Against a door.

4) In a closet.

5) On a table.

6) On a table of the picnic variety.

7) On some stairs.

8) In a garage.

9) In a bathroom.

10) On a couch when the clock struck midnight.

11) On the couch in my parents' basement.

12) In a busy hallway.

13) Behind a bar.

14) Against a stove.

15) In a camper.

16) In my ex boyfriend's house.

17) In another closet.

18) Against a fridge.

19) On a dancefloor.

20) Next to a bonfire.

21) On a dancefloor.

22) On a dancefloor.

23) On a dancefloor.

(Fuck my life).

24) Against the door of my Camaro.

25) On a porch.

26) On a couch.

27) On a futon.

28) On the couch in my parents' basement while watching The Big Bang Theory.

***

My actual thoughts upon completion of this list:

"Holy shit PLEASE tell me I have not kissed 28 people!"

Quickly followed by:

"Ugggggh, why am I such a kissing whore?!?!"

Quickly followed by:

"I am totally forgetting some, I guarantee it."

With a kiss,

Sunday, September 9, 2012

*Click*

I took this a loooong time ago with my phone when it was brand new. These flowers were in a mall parking lot... I was impressed.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

*Click*

My mom and I went to get manicures when I was visiting.. I ended up being super jealous of hers once we were all done. My mother is a stylish one, no?

Friday, September 7, 2012

*Click*

This song was so my jam for, oh, I don't know... 10 whole years? This picture is from a late-night drive in my car when we were home visiting family this summer. Nothing better than turning the volume up and rolling the windows down, amirite?

Some things I said this week

1) "Honey, those pants are too short. Yes they are. I watched you walk into the grocery store and I laughed the entire time. It looks like you're getting ready for the flood. And you know, this is your own fault, because if you'll recall, I'm a terrible girlfriend, so you hemmed your OWN pants, and you made them too short. Ha."

2) "These aren't blueberries. These are blue grapes. There's a huge difference. Yes there is. Eat one, I dare you. YEAH, SEE? They're sour little mofos! I told you so! I knew I shouldn't have sent you into the store unattended."

3) "So the old man in the grocery store just yelled out 'HOW WAS VEGAS, PRINCE HARRY?' and The Prince looked mortified and it was the most perfect moment in the history of ever."

4) "Mom, you can't just go to The Bear's (that's my little brother) workplace in an attempt to recoup all of your Tupperware and cutlery. Sure, he's a shit for never bringing home that purse thing he calls a lunch bag, but I don't think it would go over well if you walked into a giant group of mechanics and said: 'I'm here to pick up my son's lunch dishes'. Just stop feeding him until he brings them home."

5) "Your mom and I were emailing today. She wants to know if you're stressed at all, and if you're taking vitamins. She emails me about these things because she knows if she texts you about them, you'll ignore her. You're a terrible son. Call your mother."

6) "You're shoving me off the edge of the bed! Yes you are! Move over! I don't care if you're trying to steal all the warms! Get off of me!"

7) "DID YOU JUST IMPLY THAT I HAVE A FOOD BABY SITUATION GOING ON?!?! DO YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE?!"

8) "Sweetie! Sweetie! I can hear the landlord's puppies outside! Yes! Let's just go steal them. They can live here with us and be cuddle buddies. They like us better than them anyway. PLEASE? Why not? What if we just borrow them for an extended period of time?"

9) "You're infecting the whole stir fry with that green pepper. If it was a RED pepper, I wouldn't say anything, because red peppers are yummy. The green ones, though? The green ones taste like poop. It's a scientific fact."

10) "Everyone at work today was making fun of me because I don't know how to send a fax, but then I was all 'I'M YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR CHILD, DUMBASSES' and that shut them up."

Happy Friday,

Thursday, September 6, 2012

*Click*

My dad swears he's not a neat freak. Who else agrees with me in thinking that he's a LIAR? The man has two huge driving sheds for all his tractors and cars and trucks and things, and seriously, the entire operation is this organized. When my mother threatens to make him live out there, he really doesn't mind.

And then I compared myself to a beluga whale

Last night, while lying in bed:

Me: "I'm starting to feel like a beluga whale."

The Prince: "What?"

Me: "You know, a beluga whale. Big, pasty, and full of blubber."

Like these guys.

The Prince: "Sweetie, don't say things like that."

Me: "Seriously dude, the insides of my thighs feel chaffed right now, and I'm pretty sure all I've done today is walk aimlessly around Wal-Mart and the grocery store."

The Prince: "What? When did you go to Wal-Mart?"

Me: "This morning after I dropped you off at work. I needed toning shampoo for my formerly blonde hair because an article I read a few days ago suggested that maybe my hair is brassy as fuck."

The Prince: "Oh. Did you get the shampoo?"

Me: "No. I felt too icky. I bought a bag of goldfish crackers instead."

The Prince: "Really."

Me: "Yeah. They're kind of my go-to binge food."

The Prince: "Oh, I'm aware."

Me: "It was the beluga whale thing, you know? It was in my head when I bought them. Well, and I guess it was in my head when I ate them all, too. I actually ate them all. I don't even know how it happened."

The Prince: "Kitten, it's okay."

Me: "Do beluga whales in the wild eat goldfish? I bet they totally do. It's official, my beluga status is certified."

The Prince: "I'm going to get your running shoes. We're going for a jog."

Me: "But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?"

The Prince: "I don't care. I'm way more concerned with the fact that you think scarfing down an entire bag of goldfish crackers is the solution to thigh chaffing and feeling icky."

Me: "DON'T SAY SCARFING. That sounds so disgusting, it makes it sound like I poured them into my mouth or something."

The Prince: "And did you?"

Me: "No! I may have eaten the whole bag, but I ate the whole bag LIKE A LADY."

Sincerely,

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

*Click*

Would you believe me if I told you that before these cupcakes with the letters 'C' and 'K' came cupcakes with the letters 'F' and 'U' on them? One of my best friends made these for when The Prince and I visited Ontario, and on them, she had spelled out profanity. Love that girl.

And then The Prince ogled a glistening jogger

Last night, while we were driving home from work together:

Me: "Whoa cowboy. Did you just turn your head to check out that jogger? And then continue to ogle her in your rearview mirror once we passed her? Is that why you just swerved the Jeep?"

The Prince: "I did no such thing."

Me: "Then why are your shithead dimples* showing?"

(*Shithead dimples are dimples on The Prince's face that only show up when he's being a shithead. Self explanatory, really, but I figured I would explain it anyway because, well, this is my blog and I am The Management here. Bitches.)

The Prince: "I don't know. I was looking at her shoes."

Me: "Her shoes. That's the story you're going with."

The Prince: "Yep. She was wearing green shoes."

Me: "She was also wonderfully tanned. And she was jogging in a bra and booty shorts on the side of the highway. Her skin was GLISTENING. Somehow I doubt your green shoe theory."

The Prince: "I barely looked at her. Don't even know what colour her hair was."

Me: "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING AT HER HAIR."

The Prince: "Just because I've already put in my order doesn't mean I'm banned from browsing the menu."

Me: "WHERE DID YOU LEARN SUCH A TERRIBLE PHRASE?! I hate your coworkers right now."

The Prince: "HAHAHA."

Me: "Whatever, dumbass. You spotted her from far, far away. You honed in on your target and followed her ass all the way up until you drove by her, at which point you veered your head and also almost crashed the Jeep. THEN, because obviously that wasn't enough, you had to quickly glance toward the side mirrors so you could get a good stare at the front of her before she vanished into the distance. You're a monster. I'm sitting here beside you, trying to tell you about my day, and you're busy violating women on the side of the road with your eyeballs."

The Prince: "Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have looked..."

Me: "SO YOU ADMIT IT."

The Prince: "AT HER SHOES. I LOOKED AT HER SHOES."

Me: "No one believes that. No one."

The Prince: "You know what really isn't fair about this? Tomorrow morning, you're going to post about this on your stupid blog, and then all the women who read the post are going to gang up and rally agaisnt me for being an awful boyfriend. I'm NOT an awful boyfriend, but we both know that's how you're going to paint the picture."

Me: "I can neither confirm nor deny the possibility of such a thing happening."

The Prince: "Shithead dimples. You have them, too. You really do."

This post is clearly about picking sides. State yours in the comments, lovely people.

With thanks,

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

And then we went hiking and there were bears and one almost ate me but actually not really

We tried to go hiking on Sunday.

Before we left, when I was searching the regional park maps on Google, I came across an article about how there have been bear sightings in the park we were planning to go to.

Me: "We need to pick a different park."

The Prince: "If this is one of your ploys to get out of exercising and instead take a nap, I regret to inform you it's not going to work."

Me: "NO, seriously, there are BEARS at that park."

The Prince: "I'm pretty sure there are bears at all the parks in British Columbia, but if you want to pick a different one..."

Me: "I do. I do. Let's go to this other one instead. There's no news reports about grizzlies hanging out there."

So we drove to our second regional park of choice. Upon entering the park limits:

Me: "Are you shitting me right now? There's a sign right there that says there are bears here too."

The Prince: "I told you..."

Me: "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. You know what? I can do this. I can hike with the bears. I'm being brave and adventurous. I'm willing myself to try new things, even if this particular new thing puts me in danger of being mauled by a fucking bear."

The Prince: "Okay, trooper, let's go."

While we were tackling the first five minutes of the trail:

Me: "So we just have to keep talking loudly, right, and then the bears won't come near us?"

The Prince: "Right. Just focus on your steps, you're doing great."

Me: "Did you hear something? I think I just heard something!"

The Prince: "That was just a chipmunk. Okay, GREAT, now you're hyperventilating. Shit. I knew this was going to happen. It's my fault, really. Who takes their anxiety-ridden girlfriend to hike in a bear habitat? THIS GUY."

Me: "I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need to know what the PLAN is, for like, when the bears inevitably attack me. Do we run? Stand still? Scream and cry? I'm kind of leaning toward the scream and cry, to be honest."

The Prince: "You just have to respect the bear. You give it space and back away calmly."

Me: "I RESPECT THE BEARS. I RESPECT THE HELL OUT OF THEM. I respect that this is their home and I am a measly trespasser and that they have every right to eat me. Tell my family that I love them and that this was all your idea."

The Prince: "Will you just calm down? We're on the trail. Humans walk here all the time. I bet the bears never come near this path."

Me: "Stop walking. Oh my god. Oh my god. Shit. Fuck. IS THAT BEAR SHIT? AM I STANDING BEFORE A PILE OF FRESH BEAR TURD? IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?"

The Prince: "Oh, um, yeah. That actually is bear shit. There goes my theory. Sorry sweetie."

Me: "SORRY SWEETIE? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? GUESS WHAT? WE ARE GOING BACK HOME. NOW."

The Prince: "Yeah. I figured as much."

Once we got back to the vehicle:

Me: "So, you do realize you pretty much just led me to a tragic death."

The Prince: "That's not what happened at all, but I do realize that's how you're going to spin the story."

Me: "Just so we're clear."

The Prince: "We could try another park? There's still like seven other places we could hike today."

Me: "Let me be straight with you. The only acceptable course of action for the remainder of this day is as follows: BED, CHOCOLATE, NETFLIX."

The Prince: "YOU ARE THE MOST UNREASONABLE- hey, your phone is ringing."

Me: "Oh heeeey mom. How's it going? I'm goooood. Glad to be alive. The Prince just took me hiking in a bear den. I know, right? Yeah. There was bear poop and everything. What's that? Oh, yes, he'll be sleeping on the couch this evening. Definitely."

Yours truly,