Tuesday, July 31, 2012

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Look at all the tiny dents in the gravel where all the tiny, tiny feet have been. Amazing.

And then we laughed until we cried and beer came out of noses

If you haven’t played the game Catch Phrase, you really should. It is honestly the best game I’ve ever played.

I used to bartend all the time, and when I did, I admit that my wardrobe was a little risqué, and that I made a ton of tip money by being a huge flirt. I considered it an art. An art where I wore shiny spandex leggings as pants.

So, one night I’m hanging out with some friends at their place and we’re drinking beer and playing Catch Phrase. We get pretty intense and competitive when we play, and because there's a timer involved, there's always a lot of yelling.

Anyway, it was my turn to describe the word to the other team for them to guess it.

The word to describe was “Bartender”, so the first thing I said as a clue was “This is what I am at the bar!”

Without missing a beat, one of my guy friends yells out “A SLUT!”

And then we laughed until we cried and beer came out of noses.

It is now standard practice when we play this game for the phrase “a slut” to be the answer to any and all descriptions I come up with.

My friends are terrible and it is awesome.

Sincerely,

Monday, July 30, 2012

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I know, so many picture of parts of cars. We're car enthusiasts; this is what happens.

Things I said when I was shopping for a new car

1) “No, don’t really care about fuel economy. I’m more interested in the sound the engine makes, you know? Like does it sound mean and beefy, or does it sound like there’s a sewing machine under the hood? That’s the kind of thing I care about.”

2) “I will not buy a silver one. No. Because I’m not NINETY.”

3) “How many speakers does it have? Please say more than six. I know it sounds douchey, but speakers are important.”

4) “I hate hatchbacks. Hate them. I will not even test drive one. They can’t seriously tell me that the sedan and the hatchback are the same car. I get that they have the same insides, but I’m shallow, okay? The sedan is so nice and sleek… the hatchback, though? Hell no. Not happening. I am too cool for that shit.”

5) “Do the back windows go all the way down or do they stop halfway in the name of ‘safety’? If they do that, I don’t like them. I think that feature is stupid. I don’t have babies, and even if I did, I don't think they would fall out of the windows.”

6) “I don’t think this is the right car for me. When I was driving it down the mountain, I sort of felt like it was about to swerve and fall off the side of the road at any moment. It was not a good time."

7) “What do you mean there are no heated seats? Aren’t bum warmers like a standard thing now?”

8) “SWEETIE. SWEETIE. THE CUP HOLDERS HAVE AMBIENT LIGHTING AND I CAN CHANGE THE COLOUR OF THE LIGHT WITH A BUTTON. LOOK, THEY’RE GREEN. NOW THEY’RE PINK. NOW BLUE. THIS IS THE PERFECT CAR.”

Like this! [via]
9) "My dad would shoot me if I parked this in his driveway. Or he'd park his truck directly on top of it and claim that all he saw was a pile of shit in the way."

10) “You just want the Avenger because it sounds like a superheroes reference. News flash: IT'S NOT."

Vroom vroom,

Sunday, July 29, 2012

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I imagine that shifters like this one is where the term "drive stick" comes from. Can you drive a standard?

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The Prince and I went through a phase of eating these like they were going out of style. It was great and then my pants didn't fit anymore.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

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One more reason why I love my Prince. When we found this thing, he was so. excited. I mean, seriously, look at his face. Adorable. He was over two feet too tall for this thing.

Things I said a long time ago that I still kind of like


"I have this new thing, don't know why, where I have been walking around for weeks doing 'the little rascals wave'. Do you know what I mean? Like the cute little wave where you put your hand under your chin and wave your fingers up and down?

ANWYAYS this has been going on for A WHILE and I do it at the pub all the time to people and they're like WTF or they get it and they laugh. No one has ever done the wave back, though.

I was just walking through the hall and saw him for the first time today:
Me: *Does little rascals wave*
Him: *big grin* *DOES LITTLE RASCALS WAVE*
Me: *BIGGEST SMILE EVER*"

Friday, July 27, 2012

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How's this for abstract? That's the R in FORD on an old Mustang. (Look at the sparkle in that paint!)

A conversation I had with a coworker

During my break the other day I was sitting in our lunch room struggling to peel a hard-boiled egg. One of my coworkers was watching me and laughing.

Me: “I hate this. Look at this shell, I’m literally breaking it into pieces so fine they could be particles of sand. I swear I read somewhere that the best way to peel an eggshell off was to tap the bottom of the egg on the table and then peel. That’s what I just did, you saw me do it, and look at this mess. And the egg was refrigerated, not hot, so that can’t be the issue.”

Mine was waaaay worse than this. [via]

Coworker: “I don’t know if there’s a specific best way, but I’m pretty sure there are better ways to do it than the way you are currently doing it.”

Me: “Well you don’t have to be a dick about it.”

Coworker: “Just sayin’.”

Me: “I’m going to Google it after lunch. I’m going to Google egg-peeling methods. The internet will be much more helpful than you are. I’ll get a great answer to my problem, probably from someone with poor grammar, probably on Yahoo Answers. I’ll email you the link.”

Coworker: “I swear, you are on so much crack.”

I'm not though. Seriously.




PdotSdot: This is a scheduled post. The Prince and I are flying home to Ontario today. I miss you already.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

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Our neighbours probably refer to me as "That weird girl that takes pictures of other people's flowers", and I bet they refer to The Prince as "That weird guy who STEALS other people's flowers". We are quite a pair.

And then he stole me some flowers

The Prince gave me a ride home from work last night but he was a dick about it the entire time. Why? Because instead of getting to stay home with me, his boss had insisted that he drop me off and then go back to work to do some overtime.

When he dropped me off, he uttered an "I love you", to which I was like:

"I love you too, but I like you a little less when you take your work frustrations out on me."

The Prince backed his Jeep out of the driveway and went back to work without saying anything.

Colour me unimpressed.

Anyway, about three hours later there was a knock on our apartment door. I opened it to find my Prince standing there with his bottom lip in a pout, his eyes wide and apologetic. He was holding a bunch of flowers in his hands. 

"Hi! You brought flowers?"

"Yes. I'm so sorry I was anything less than wonderful to you on the way home. I'm sorry."

"It's okay... but um, where did you get these flowers from?"

"I stole them."

"From where?"

"The neighbours' flower beds."

"WHAT?"

"Chill out, okay? I knew when I left to come home to you that I shouldn't come empty handed, so I figured I'd get flowers, but nice flowers cost money and I don't have any of that, so then I thought, okay, ROAD FLOWERS. So all the way home I was scoping the side of the road for some pretty wild flowers and there weren't any. I got all the way here and that's when I noticed the flowers next door. I figured it was okay to steal them because that house is for sale and no one is living there right now. They way I see it, those flowers were anyone's game. So now you have them."

"You stole flowers for me?"

"Yep. Me, your law-abiding, rule-following boyfriend. Because I love you."

"I love you more, shithead."

"Not possible."

With a grin,


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

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I want this on a canvas on my wall. Seriously. Someone tell me how to get this exact thing on a huge, long rectangular canvas without breaking my wallet and I'll do it tomorrow. (That's a lie. Tomorrow I have to to pack stuff for our trip home, but you get the idea. I'll do it SOON, okay?)

Lies I have recently told my mother

1) "Mom. MOM. I'm not going to come home to visit and just be drunk the whole entire week. I honestly don't even know how you come up with these unjust accusations."

2) "I would love to help you shop for a new bath mat while I'm home. Yes, I know just the place to find the perfect one."

3) "I'm not bringing home a bunch of wine in my suitcase. I would never do that. What? It's illegal? I had no idea."

4) "It's totally fine if you want The Prince and I to sleep in separate beds while we're at your house. Sure. Not a big deal. It's not like we live together already or anything."

5) "I don't know what he (my little brother) told you about my ankle, but it's not true. I did not pass out. I slipped. I slipped and hurt my ankle, just like grandma did that time. I didn't even have to go to the hospital."

6) "You donated my sandals to Good Will because I hadn't worn them in a while? That's so nice of you. I'll just spend some of my extra cash on a new pair. No worries."

7) "Yes, I have already called the agent about my car insurance. It's ready to go when I get home. I didn't forget to call him like you thought I would."

8) "Mom, don't worry. It's not like I'm going to spend a day in Toronto and wind up buying myself sparkly things at Tiffany's with my credit card. That only happened one time."

9) "Yeah, my boss is totally chill about me being away for almost two whole weeks. He thinks it's a great idea."

10) "What do you think I am, a liar? I don't write about you on my blog. No, seriously, never. I wouldn't exploit our relationship like that."

Regards,



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

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This is all fine and well until you notice that the picture shows two tiny children floating away in a puff of exhaust. Sure, idling engines are bad for everyone, but the exhaust doesn't engulf and kill small children instantly by stopping their lungs from working. Talk about DRAMATIC, am I right?

And then he tried to get me to have sex in the back of his parents' SUV

A conversation we had last night:

Me, talking about another couple: "I know he really liked her at first and she wasn't so sure, so she asked if they could wait before having sex and he was really chill about that. I think that's why I was accepting of the relationship to begin with, actually, because he wasn't a jerk about the no sex thing like some guys are."

The Prince: "Yeah, I don't understand guys who try to get laid right away when they're starting something with a girl they really like. I just don't get why anyone would ever try to do that."

Me: "Really."

The Prince: "Yeah?"

Me: "Oooohhh sweetie. You just opened a whole can of worms."

The Prince: "No I didn't! I waited to have sex with you! You said you wanted to take it slow and so that's what we did! We waited! Because you wanted to!"

Me: "Okay, yeah, BUT. Remember that time you took me on that amazing date to the beach and the pier and stuff? And then even though it was like 2am we decided to watch some episodes of Party Down on your laptop, which you had brought with you, in the back seat of your parents' SUV?"

The Prince: "Yeah. I remember that. That was the night I knew I had wooed you into my web. We even had ice cream in waffle bowls."

Me: "Right. And remember how instead of actually watching Party Down, we started making out? And then you got all handsy and seductive and suggestive and stuff?"

The Prince: "Yeah..."

Me: "YOU TOTALLY TRIED TO GET ME TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU IN THE BACK OF YOUR PARENTS' SUV. ADMIT IT."

The Prince: "I don't think 'TRIED' is the right word. It was more like 'really hoped'."

Me: "There were blankets and pillows back there, asshole. The whole set-up was premeditated. You were prepared to do the deed right then and there, until I was all 'Listen, I know you met me at a bar and all, but I am not about to have sex with you in the back seat of a vehicle at 3am.' And I swear, the look on your face in that moment was a look of utter disappointment. You were SO gunning to get some."

The Prince: "Understandably so! I admit no wrongdoing. We waited to have sex for almost four whole months after that!"

Me: "I know, but that's not the point. The point is that you tried to get laid right away when you were just starting something with me, a girl who you really liked, which is an action that you just denounced. I just murdered all of your moral high ground."

The Prince: "Why don't you just go join a debate team?"

Me: "What does it feel like to never win an argument? Honestly, I'm interested. How does it feel to lose every single time?"

Sincerely,

Monday, July 23, 2012

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Have I ever told you that birds are my least favourite type of animal? Well, they are. Before I became a vegetarian I used to say that I exclusively ate chicken and turkey because of my dislike for birds. I meant it, too.

Things I said this weekend

Here you go, guys:

1) "You know that every time we come to this liquor store, you pull on the door instead of pushing it like you're supposed to? Every. Single. Time. And every time you do it, I think it's hilarious. I'm positive the people who work here think we're alcoholics because you can't open a door correctly and I am constantly giggling."

2) "I don't know what you think Mod Podge does, exactly, but it's not going to fix the fact that you just TORE A HOLE IN MY ROLLING STONES POSTER, YOU ASSHOLE."

3) "Did you just put Arby's sauce on your eggs? How the hell do we even own that? Are you a sauce-packet hoarder? The look on your face is telling me 'yes'. Shit. I'm living with a sauce-packet hoarder."

4) "I know it's one in the morning but I can't sleep. I think I'm gonna go shave my legs."

5) "You can't just take an entire pizza, roll it up and call it a "pizza wrap". Calling it a pizza wrap makes it sound sort of delicate, which this thing is not. What you've got there is AN ENTIRE PIZZA, rolled up. Oh, did you just burn your mouth? SERVES YOU RIGHT."

6) "Why does it smell so fresh and fruity in here? Are you using my body wash again?"

7) "Holy crap. You're seriously taking hair product to work in one hand and coffee in the other. No one ever believes me when I say that you're more high maintenance than I am, but this is the proof. Stand still, my camera phone can't take good pictures when you're walking that fast."

8) "I totally still haven't told my mom about my ankle incident. When I told you that you had to tell her, I was serious. For the record, I am still serious. We're going to be face-to-face with my mother in T-minus four days. I suggest you make a phone call."

9) "What do you mean there's nothing vegetarian on the menu here? They have ice-cream. Ice cream is absolutely vegetarian."

10) When my mom called and asked me what The Prince was doing: "Well, he's asleep on the couch right now, napping. I think it's an accidental nap, though, because he's got this huge pile of freshly-washed kale in his lap."

Happy Monday,

Sunday, July 22, 2012

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And it was allll yelloooowww. Only not really, because more than 50% of this photo is green. Sorry.

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I am getting so excited for our Trans-Canada road-trip, you guys.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

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It's the taking of pictures like this that make The Prince hate going for walks. Him: "STOP TAKING PICTURES OF RANDOM CRAP!"

Things I said a long time ago that I still kind of like


"I adore that you call me "sunshine". Did I ever tell you that my very Catholic family's favourite priest called me "sunshine" my whole life? I didn't see him much after I was probably 12 or something. I ran into him sometime in high school at a grocery store, he's like 90 now, and I didn't recognize him but right away he was like "SUNSHINE!" and I melted. You calling me sunshine reminds me of that."

Friday, July 20, 2012

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That grill is the definition of MENACING. Also, when I saw this, I was all "Look! Look! It's Cruella De Vil's car!"

And then something icky happened

Last night, The Prince asked me why there was a washcloth in the garbage can in the bathroom.

So then I had to tell him this story, which I had originally intended to take to my grave:

"Well, I got in the shower yesterday morning, and I had a fresh washcloth in my hand. Then I noticed the previous day's washcloth hanging in the way, so I chucked it out of the shower, figuring it would land on the floor so I could toss it in the laundry later."

"How'd that go?" asked The Prince, obviously seeing where this was going.

"It didn't land on the floor," I said.

"No? It didn't?"

"No. It landed in the toilet."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I scrambled out of the shower, only that took quite a bit of time because you STILL haven't fixed the shower door, so by the time I got to the washcloth, it was almost entirely drowned in toilet water, save for one last little corner."

"So let me guess what happened next. You grabbed that corner, screamed a little, threw it in the garbage and then dashed back to the shower to disinfect your hand."

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if you heard the scream part because you were still sleeping."

"Oh, I heard it."

"I thought about just flushing it down, but I don't think that would have worked out very well."

"No. Probably not."

"Yeah. So I did the right thing."

"But did you learn anything from this? Like to stop throwing your damn washcloths out of the shower like an animal?"

"I could lie to you, but, honestly, no."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No. I like to live on the edge. If that means some washcloth bitches have to die, so be it."

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THIS WEEK? EVERYTHING YOU DO IS DRIVING ME INSANE!"

"That's called karma, motherfucker."

Happy Friday,

Thursday, July 19, 2012

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The paint on this car was so. shiny. The owner standing next to it was very proud, standing there with sham in hand. He seemed to be a little uncomfortable with my picture-taking... I was obviously getting too close to his baby. I'm a hooligan, what can I say.

Believe it or not, I can be a shithead too

This morning on the way to work, I realized that one of the CDs we listen to in the Jeep was missing.

Yeah, I know, we're the only people left on the planet who actually buy CDs. I like owning the physical disc and the lyric booklets, okay?

Anyway, this is what happened:

Me: "Did you lose the Awolnation CD?"

The Prince: "No? It should be in the basket with the rest of them."

Me: "It's not. I think you lost it."

The Prince: "You do realize that, most times, when we think something is lost, we end up finding it in one of your 37 purses."

Me: "That's not even close to true. I own about a thousand CDs at this point and I've never lost a single one.* Maybe I lose things sometimes, but I don't lose MYSELF on the way to the store."

*This is a lie

The Prince: "You're really never gonna let that go, are you?"

Me: "I wouldn't count on it."

It was at this point that I took a CD out of the player, put another one in, and then put the first CD in the case of the second one.

The Prince: "DID YOU JUST PUT THE WRONG CD IN THE WRONG CASE?"

Me: "Yeah, you know I do that all the time. This way it's like a lovely little surprise every time you grab a different CD. You think you're getting John Butler Trio, but then it's like SURPRISE! You get Walk the Moon!"

The Prince: "NOOOO. I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR LAST WEEK PUTTING THEM ALL BACK IN THE RIGHT CASES. YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING."

Me: "Whatever."

The Prince: "AND ARE YOU JUST SHOVING ALL THOSE CDS IN THE SLOT IN THE DOOR? THEY DON'T BELONG THERE. THERE'S A BASKET BEHIND MY SEAT FOR A REASON."

Me: "Fine, fine, I'll put them in the basket."

The Prince: "Put that one you defiled in the correct case first."

Me: "Too late, already put them away."

The Prince: "That CD being in the wrong case is going to bother me all day, you know that, right?"

Me: "I've got bad news for you. All those CDs I just put away? Like, all six of them?"

The Prince: "Yeah?"

Me: "NONE OF THEM ARE IN THE RIGHT CASES. NONE."

The Prince: "You are so walking home from work today."

Hahahahaha,

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

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Triumph: good car, good band, good life goal.

And then there was a threatening note

The other night, I was making dinner and also talking on the phone to a friend while I cooked.

Shortly before my phone call, I had confiscated The Prince's jumbo-sized bag of beef jerky "Because dinner will be ready in ten minutes."

The Prince was not happy about this. He started frantically searching the apartment for his beef jerky, but because I'm not an idiot, I'd hidden it somewhere I knew he'd never think to look, which was under the duvet in our room. I mean, really, for him to find it there he practically would have had to make the bed, and I knew THAT was never going to happen.

When he realized he couldn't find it, I got a tap on the shoulder and turned around to see this:


First, notice the improper wording. He does this to annoy me and also to sound more like a cute child.

This ploy rarely works on me.

Second, there's the threat of him being a "junkyard cat", which, yes, is a reference to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. This is also a running joke we have from back when our landlord denied us a puppy and got one for herself. To make ourselves feel better, we spent a few minutes one night meowing like super loud, hungry, angry cats. These angry cat noises have since become a first class method of expressing unhappiness within our relationship. I guess he figured that making loud meowing noises while I was on the phone would embarass me.

Ha.

Third, his demand. The "meat treat" is, of course, his bag of beef jerky.

His note didn't work. I made him eat all of his vegetables before he got his "meat treat" back.

In other news, I've officially become my mother.

Yawn,

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

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Why are cars no longer made in this colour? I want an explanation.

Contrary to popular belief, my cat is not dead

Most of you that just read the title are thinking "What the hell, she doesn't have a cat. I swear she's never mentioned a cat. A cat seems like something this chick would mention on the regular."

You're smart cookies, you people.

I don't have a cat here in Kelowna, but the "family cat" that lives with my parents back home in Ontario is pretty much mine. She's getting older now and also loves to be outside all the time so she's stayed with my parents her entire life.

This is the only picture I have of her. Honestly.

Last night when I was on the phone with my mom, she was telling me how she'd spent part of the day snuggling with Patches, my cat, who only wants attention when she murders mice or birds and feels the need to be praised.

Patches killed a bird yesterday, so she was looking for her reward. When I said something like "Ew, tell her to stop slaughtering birds", The Prince shot me a funny look from across the room.

When I got off the phone, this happened:

The Prince: "Did your parents get a new cat?"

Me: "No? We were talking about Patches."

The Prince: "Haha, nice try, that cat died a long time ago."

Me: "WHAT?!?!"

The Prince: "Yeah, when we were at your parents' house for Christmas, I remember you asking your dad how Patches was, and he told you she was dead. Then you asked your brother, and he said she was dead too. I thought it was weird that you didn't get all hysterical and cry but I didn't say anything because you appeared to be fine with her passing."

Me: "Oh sweet sugar. You are SO dumb. Sweetie, my dad and my brother have been telling me that my cat was dead since the first time I moved away from home for university. They think it's funny because they're shitheads."

The Prince: "You mean every time you called home while you were away and asked about your cat they told you she was DEAD?"

Me: "Yes. I'm not even kidding. Every time. Any they still do it because they think they're hilarious. I'm glad you see the underlying cruelty."

The Prince: "What underlying cruelty? THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME. Your dad and your brother are the best, I seriously can't wait to get home and see them. Oh, and speaking of people who think they're hilarious... ahem... YOU?"

Me: Whatever. I am hilarious, but I wouldn't joke about someone's beloved childhood cat being DEAD. It's not going to be so funny when she ACTUALLY DIES, is it?"

The Prince: "It probably will be. I can see it now. You'll be all, 'Hey, how's my cat?' and your dad will be like 'She's dead' and when you're like 'Ha, very funny' your brother will reply with 'No, for real this time' and then no one will be sad because HILARIOUSNESS."

Me: "Get out. Get out of this room."

Regards,

Monday, July 16, 2012

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This one is for my little brother The Bear the mechanic the AUTOMOTIVE TECHNICIAN, as he insists.

And then I went to ladies' night with a bunch of older ladies

Things that happened:

1) The seven other women I was with at the bar ordered Bellissimas or Sangria. I ordered vodka and water.

2) The oldest lady there slid down a long bench-style seat to sit next to me "So that the old and young could be close together". When she finally got shimmied all the way down to where I was, she whispered "I think I burnt my bum!"

3) Most of these ladies are co-workers of mine, so we talked a lot about the guys at our workplace. When I declared that "Yeah, most of them are huge creepers" two of the grandmas at the table almost pissed themselves.

4) There was a lengthy discussion about babies and grand-babies, complete with phones being passed around the table so we could all watch videos of said babies. I passed on that and instead ordered more vodka.

5) All eight of us went to see the Magic Mike stripper movie. Awkward.


6) These ladies turned out to be the kind of ladies that went all "woo" when one of the strippers on screen got naked. I slouched in my theatre seat and wished desperately for it to end.

7) The Prince sent me a text to see if I was having fun. My reply: "Kind of, but I think that's the vodka talking."

8) Some of the ladies told raunchy stories about their own experiences with male strippers while in earshot of an entire family with small children. I sat quietly and listened to them say things like "AND THEY USE THESE WEIRD THINGS TO KEEP THEIR DICKS HARD."

9) One of the ladies admitted that she hadn't been on a date in a VERY long time. I told her not to worry because I could set her up on Plenty of Fish first thing Monday morning. She proceeded to stare at me in absolute horror.

10) When I finally made it home, I drank more vodka.

Here's to Monday,

Sunday, July 15, 2012

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Today's fact: When Chevrolet introduced its Camaro to be in direct competition with Ford's Mustang, they were asked what, exactly, a "Camaro" was. They responded: "A Camaro is a small, vicious animal that eats Mustangs." That, my friends, is great marketing.

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The Prince was not impressed when I made him pull over the vehicle so I could trespass on private property and go take pictures of vintage tractors. He was all "YOU DON'T LIKE THE TRACTORS ON YOUR PARENTS' FARM, HOW ARE THESE ANY DIFFERENT?" To which I was like "Shut up, please, I'm trying to be stealth and you're OBNOXIOUS."

Saturday, July 14, 2012

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Car court is now in session; The Judge has arrived. Gosh I love Pontiac GTOs. If  could have any classic car, it would probably be this one, but in black. So really, not this one, but kind of.

Things I said a long time ago that I still kind of like


"I actually had a dream about you last night. You were dating this new guy and you guys were making a mixed CD together and a disproportionate amount of the songs you guys put on it were by the Strokes, (one of my favourite bands from grade 11), and I was all, "What the fuck guys, the Strokes are so not sexy."

Friday, July 13, 2012

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I'm sorry that I got in the way of the sunbeam while taking a picture of this Sunbeam. It's a total fluke that my shadow just so happens to be blocking the sun from hitting the word "sun", but let's be artsy and pretend that I did it on purpose because I'm so damn talented. YEP.

Sometimes his sleep speech is pretty clear

The Prince talks in his sleep sometimes.

Like most sleep-talkers, the things he says are entirely nonsensical.

Most of the time, if his voice wakes me up, it sounds like he's some kind of deranged wookie that I can't understand.

Sometimes he makes car sounds, because he's dreaming about cars.

I'll wake up to him going "vrroooommmmm vrrroooooooommm".

When I tell him about this in the morning, he always says that "See? Even in my sleep, I'm awesome."

Sometimes his sleep speech is pretty clear. Last night I woke up to the sound of him saying "No no no no no!"

I knew he was still asleep, but sometimes he can hold a sleep-convo, so I said "What?"

His response: "YOU CAN'T JUST MURDER YOUR MOM FOR FUN."

I started laughing, to which he replied "What? It's not funny."

"You know you're asleep right now, don't you?"

"I'm not asleep. Shhhh."

For the record, he was totally asleep.

When I asked him this morning if he remembered any part of his nightmare or our conversation, or if he knew what person in the dream was trying to murder their mom for fun, he was all:

"Obviously that person would be you."

Awesome. Thanks for clearing that up.

Happy Friday,

Thursday, July 12, 2012

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All the little girls at this car show were all over this car, hopefully because it's hot pink and hopefully not because it's a Swinger. GET IT? BECAUSE IT'S A SWINGER? I crack myself up.

Some things I have said this week

1) "I'm not trying to call you a pansy because you like a chick flick, sweetie. I just think it's weird that you love The Jane Austen Book Club movie so much when you haven't read any Austen. You don't even read. Don't give me that look. The last thing you read was a Reddit post."

2) "Please stop sending me texts about poop. Especially when I'm at work."

3) "No, we don't need to go to the meat section. I don't know why you drag me over there every time we come here. It's not like I'm going to see a bloody steak and suddenly become a carnivore, that's not how this vegetarian stuff works. There's no cure. I'm sorry."

4) "What do you MEAN you just told your cousin he can live with us for a month?! He can't live with us! Our apartment is too tiny! I already struggle with the fact that YOU hear me pee when I go to the bathroom, I can't imagine trying to deal with the two of you sitting on the couch listening to my bodily functions. I'm panicking just THINKING about it."

5) "Kitten? Kitten? KITTEN*. I'm locked in the shower again and I can't get out! There's something wrong with the door! The latch is stuck! I'm trapped! I thought you were going to fix this like a good boyfriend?! I told you find the screw driver yesterday! Can you bring me my towel? I'm getting really cold! Where are youuuu?! Why aren't you coming to rescue me?!"

*"Kitten" is The Prince's nickname for me, but I've started calling him Kitten as well just to fuck with his mind. It's working. 

6) "Wake up. Wake up. I think there's a moth in here, I can hear it flying around. Can you get up and squash it? I hate moths. They're like butterflies, but evil. They hang on things like they're bats or something and I'm not okay with it."

7) "We're not going to be able to camp on the side of the Trans-Canada wherever we feel like it. Why? Because RAPE AND PILLAGE is a THING."

8) "How many times do we have to go over this? You trim the wick AND THEN you light the candle. It really doesn't work when you do it the other way around."

9) "Roll over. Your breath smells like it could belong to a dragon. A dragon with very poor dental hygiene."

10) "Shit, is that an ant? It is. It's totally an ant, and where there's one ant, there's a zillion. KILL IT WITH FIRE."

Cheers,

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

*Click*

I'm not sure I could drive this Jag, seeing as that creature in the middle of the steering wheel would most definitely creep me out/distract/probably haunt me. The things people pay for, I tell you.