Tuesday, February 28, 2012

My New Best Friend the Bus Driver

I take a bus to get partway to my place of employment. This bus is supposed to leave the nearby stop at 7:27am, but often leaves around 7:23am. This makes me crazy.

After about four mornings of running to catch the bus even though I left my apartment PERFECTLY ON TIME, the bus driver started making fun of me.

As in I'd get on the bus huffing and puffing trying to carry all of my shit including a scalding hot mason jar full of tea and he'd be all "Nice jog this morning?"

Today, for the first time, I decided I was NOT going to jog for the bus. It was just one of those mornings. I decided that I was going to walk, and if I missed the bus, TOO FREAKING BAD, PLACE I WORK AT.

But the bus didn't pull away from the curb like I thought it would, and I walked at a normal pace the whole way. As I stepped onto the bus, my new friend the bus driver was all "Good morning. No jogging today, eh? I waited for you."

To which I smiled very broadly and said, "No, no jogging. You're the best."

I will take that statement back HARD if he ever drives away without me from this day forward.

P.S. for The Prince: I wiiinnnnnnn. Agaaaiiinnnnnnnn.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Once Again

Last night at Tim Hortons I finished off my drink and went to toss out the cup. Frantically, the Prince was all "NOOO! YOU FORGOT TO ROLL UP THE RIM!"

To which I was all, "Oh yeah I always forget that, and somehow I always win whenever I do remember."

The Prince: "Yeah right, you think you're so good at everything. You think you win everything, too."

So I rolled up the rim and I won. It's just a free coffee, but STILL.

The Prince then lost with his cup, and as he walked outside of the store I skipped happily along.

The Prince: "You don't have to skip. I get it. You win at everything."

Me: "Lest you forget- I win, bitches, I ALWAYS WINNNNN."

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

So I didn't really plan to kill him BUT I DO NOW

Okay, so. Yesterday was a long work day for me, the kind of work day that makes you feel like eating comfort food.

I got home after spending the day resisting these cookies excited to eat something yummy and bad for me. Why didn't I just eat one of the aforementioned work cookies? Because I'm stupid, okay?

Anyway. On my walk home I considered that the thing I wanted to eat was a wrap with peanut butter on it. Honestly, a whole grain wheat tortilla wrap with peanut butter is the unhealthiest combo of food available at my apartment right now, so that is what I wanted.

So I go to get a wrap, and find just an empty package where there had been two wraps in the morning. Here's what happened next...

Me, in the kitchen: "Did you eat both the wraps?"

The Prince, from the couch: "Oh, yeah."

Me: "Okay, do we have any crackers left that I can put peanut butter on?"

The Prince: "No, the crackers got used up when I had soup."

Me: "So we have no peanut butter vehicles, is what you're saying. We don't even have a clean spoon for me to eat it out of the jar with."

The Prince: "Yeah I haven't done the dishes yet, and, uh, *nervous laughter*..."

Me: "What?"

The Prince: "I may have eaten the rest of the peanut butter today."

At this point, I looked over at the couch to see my boyfriend sitting on it next to an empty peanut butter jar.

Me: "YOU ATE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I WANT TO EAT."

The Prince: "I was hungry."

Me: "Unacceptable."

The Prince: "I think there's one banana left?"

Me: "How is there only one left? There were seven two days ago."

The Prince: "Actually, now that I think about it, I think I ate the last one. We don't have any bananas left."

Me: "GO TO THE STORE. RIGHT NOW."

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Oatmeal, Raisin, COOKIES.

Yesterday a sweet lady that I work with brought freshly baked (as in freshly baked right before she left for work so we’re talking still warm upon arrival) cookies to the office and placed them on a vacant ledge right by my desk.

My issues with this included, but were not limited to:

1) I really couldn’t have one- The Prince had packed me a great, healthy lunch as part of my new plan to not binge eat all the damn time. Eating a cookie would have thrown off my whole day.

2) There were two kinds of cookies begging me to eat them. Peanut butter AND oatmeal raisin.

3) I could smell them, and it was killing me

4) Because I was so close to the cookie container, anyone who came by my desk was all “OOOOH cookies! Did you make these? Can I have one? Did you have one yet?” This meant that even if I did manage to take my mind off the cookies temporarily, I had people constantly reminding me that OH YEAH, COOKIES.

5) People kept picking up cookies and then standing in front of my desk chatting me up whilst eating said cookies. In my face. “Oh man these are good, you really should try one.”

6) Just now, as I’ve been writing this, a co-worker did a re-run of #5, which not only ticked me off, but also brought to my attention that THE COOKIES ARE STILL HERE and so begins day two of my suffering.

7) The Prince sincerely tried to get me to eat oatmeal for breakfast, and he packed me a container of raisins for a snack at work. I cannot help but feel that he’s trying to subliminally satisfy my cravings for oatmeal raisin COOKIES by making me eat oatmeal and raisins. I’mma killz him when I get home.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Best. Slip. Ever.

On Friday night the Prince and I went for a jog. While on said jog, I started bragging about how strong and toned my calves are, because I am a pretentious piece of poop, really.

Anyway, I was all "My calves are awesome!"

To which the Prince was all "Pfffft calves. I have CATTLE."

So we laughed about that mid-jog, and then The Prince continued:

"Seriously, my calves are a family trait. They've been passed down through generations. They're inbred."

....

YEAH.

So I went: "HAHAHAHA YOU JUST SAID THAT YOUR CALVES ARE INBRED!"

The Prince: "Shit, I meant embedded."

Me: "I know what you meant, but honesty, I'm more thrilled by what you said."

Long story short, I've spent the last three days intermittently asking the Prince how his "inbred" calves are. He refuses to speak with me on the matter.

Friday, February 17, 2012

People Don't Listen

Today in the lunchroom at work while heating up my soup, I met a colleague who I haven't seen before. As it turns out, we are both new-ish employees, so we got to talking about how we moved here, etc.

I quickly explained that my boyfriend had moved out here and that I'd started looking for jobs out here, found one, rest is history, whatever.

This guy asked me how I got hired with this company, and I said "Oh well I met Joe (our boss) in October and that was just sort of it, he hired me."

I watched as my conversation partner's face lit up and he went: "YOU MEAN JOE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND?!?!?! I thought he was married???"

To which I was all, "Um, NO. No. Joe is our boss, I hardly know him. My boyfriend's name is The Prince."

How bad of a listener is this dude, guys? Sweet lord, that is not even CLOSE to what I said and I am sincerely concerned with how he perked up at such potentially thrilling gossip.

For serious, do I give off some kind of a home-wrecker vibe? How about a home-wrecker scent? Or is it just that as soon as a man in power hires a 22-year-old woman to work directly under him, everyone else assumes that said woman is LITERALLY under him?

Disgusting.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

About Starting a New Job

1) You will never remember all the names you're told throughout the first week, let alone the first day. You will very often gesture in the general direction of a co-worker's desk when you can't remember their name. You will look like an idiot.

2) You will be terrified of the lunch room. You will spend time worrying over what shelf to put your yogurt on in the fridge. You will stress about the fact that your soup might splatter all over the inside of the microwave when you heat it up. You will bring your own spoon even though there is a full drawer of cutlery for staff use.

3) You will cause yourself pain trying not to pee even though you HAVE TO and the washroom is RIGHT THERE but you already went five times today and you don't want people to think you pee a lot, even though you totally do.

4) If given any sort of privilege (like, for example, borrowing your boss' vehicle to take to a business meeting) you will not even let yourself go get a tea while in said vehicle out of fear that SOMEONE MIGHT FIND OUT and WHAT IF YOU SPILL IT? You will also leave about a 6 kilometre safety distance between the giant truck you're cruising in and the vehicle ahead of you. When you accidentally squeal the tires as you pull out onto the highway from your place of employment, you will curse loudly and wish you were dead.

5) You will ponder filling up your water bottle the whole way while at the water cooler because your water bottle is on the large side and you don't want be thought of as some kind of water hog, so you just fill it half way to be safe.

6) You will have no idea how to use the phone on your desk and you will be terrified of it when it rings and red lights flash at you and the world is ending oh my god.

7) You will be hyper-sensitive to any hint of other people talking about you because you're the Newbie. You will try to smile at everyone and if they don't smile back every time they pass your desk you will assume that they hate you and wish you would die.

8) You will be concerned with how much work you do because you are definitely an overachiever but you're paranoid because what if you do too much good stuff right away and then everyone around you expects that until the end of time? What if that happens and then you want to start slacking but you're trapped in this cycle of being a good employee and it's your own entire fault?

9) Your necklace will make noise when you walk around and your boots are SO LOUD were they seriously always that loud? You'll be positive that you sound like a one-person stampede walking across the floor and that everyone can hear you coming and automatically dread the dumb questions you are coming to ask them.

10) You will redeem yourself from all of the above listed fears by blogging at work like the bad ass you know you are.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Some Reasons I Haven’t (Yet) Kicked The Prince to the Curb

In honour of Valentine’s Day, I’m going to say some nice things about The Prince rather than attempting to make him look like the dumb one as per usual.

1) He makes the bed when he leaves for class because he knows I like coming home to an organized room. I would never do this myself, ever.

2) He made lentil burgers for dinner one night because he is willing to suffer being semi-vegetarian for me and be a good sport about it.

3) When I punch him in the throat in the middle of the night because he’s snoring, he apologizes to me.

4) While watching the super bowl, I saw him go and wash off the plate he had just had chicken wings on before placing rice crispy square on it that he planned to share with me.

5) He does the dishes much more frequently than I do.

6) He also packs me lunches to take to work and sometimes he sends notes in them.

7) And he usually makes dinner before I arrive home from work. (Side note- This list is making me seem lazy, isn’t it?)

8) He gives me foot massages on the regular.

9) He understands that the only acceptable gifts to buy me are made from sparkly substances or leather.

10) He insists on kisses goodnight, kisses when we wake up, kisses when I leave, kisses when I get home… he pretty much says “kisses” whenever I make eye contact with him.

11) He makes me walk on the inside of the sidewalk because I’m a lady?

12) He makes me laugh by doing a German accent. On demand.

13) He is the only person I know who can talk me out of buying more purses.

14) When I make too much soup and I get tired of eating it day after day, he takes one for the team and eats the rest of it so that I can eat something different.

15) He sets the alarm clock for me and then listens to my directions in the morning concerning the snooze function.

16) He has memorized all of the Shoppers Drugmart “Top Beauty Picks” for me, so when I pick a shitty mascara, he’s all “NO sweetie you have to get this one because it’s the number one top beauty pick”. (He works at Shoppers Drugmart.)

17) He lets me dictate when and how he cuts his hair and also lets me “fix it” when it doesn’t look perfect.

18) Every time we cross a bridge, he gives me a kiss. He goes out of his way to find bridges.

19) He complies with my insistence that I play my new favourite songs on repeat for days on end.

20) The first time he told me he loved me was at a Sloan concert.


Happy Valentine’s Day, bitches.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Another Gross Post

The other night, right before going to sleep:

Me: "I have to pee."

The Prince: "Ugghhh again? You just went. Five times."

Me: "I'm sorry! I can't control the gods of pee-ness!"

The Prince: "Hhahahhaahahahaa. Did you really just say that?"

Me: "No! You're gross. Not penis. PEE-NESS. As in the gods that control when I have to pee. Pee-ness. I made up a new word."

The Prince: "No, you didn't. You're literally saying penis. Repeatedly."

Me: "UGH."

Sunday, February 12, 2012

And Here's How You Get a Coffee Table for Free

Yep, we've I've done it again.

How to get a coffee table for free:

1) When at work, talk about how you have very little furniture.
2) Accept offer from nice lady to take her old coffee table for free.
3) Realize this requires a vehicle and start scheming ways to get yourself a car, preferably for free.
4) Make nice with someone in power at your place of employment.
5) Be all "We would have a coffee table if we had a car to go pick it up..."
6) Take free car.
7) Go pick up free coffee table.
8) Eat lunch off your free coffee table like a freaking boss.
9) Return car with definitely less fuel than was in it when you picked it up.
10) Hahahahahaha.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

And That's How You Get a TV For Free

First off, I have to tell you that our apartment is really cold. I'm pretty sure that the house owner upstairs has all of the heat going directly up to where she lives, leaving us to freeze our bums off.

After a week of living here, The Prince and I were tired of running from the bed to the shower in the morning to get warm, and to he honest, I'm not big on the whole cuddling thing, so when The Prince tried to snuggle against me to "share the warms" I was really havin' none of it.

So, on Wednesday we went to Wal-Mart and bought slippers (or in my case, the aforementioned nine dollar Ugg-esque boots) and two space heaters so that our place would be warmer.

On our way through the check-out, the cashier was all "Are you guys a little cold this morning or what?" and laughed. Simultaneously, we were all: "Yes."

She continued, "Well at least you can just snuggle up in front of the TV with blankets and stay warm."

To which I was like: "Yeah. If we even had a TV" while I angrily swiped my maxed-out VISA.

The cashier looked appalled, and then she goes: "I have a great big old TV sitting in my foyer that I want to get rid of. I would be happy to give it to you. It works just fine, but we have six TVs and we need to get rid of one."

The Prince and I were dumbfounded, but of course agreed to comply with her good deed and accept a free television. She took our number and we went on our way.

The cashier called us yesterday in a panic, apologizing for not contacting us sooner. Apparently she can't find the remote that goes with the TV, but as soon as she does she's bringing it over.

So yeah. Freeze for a week, spend imaginary money on heaters and slippers while looking broke, use angry sarcasm at a friendly Wal-Mart employee...

And that's how you get a TV for free.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Tequila With a Side of Veggies

Hi guys. So, because the Prince and I spent all of our cash on rent and furniture and buying 6 seasons of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on DVD, we have no money. We've been buying groceries frequently but apparently we suck at that because we don't have any food.

What I mean is that if you opened our freezer you'd find a bag of frozen veggies and a two-six of tequila.

Honestly, how can we do a better job of keeping a stocked fridge? I feel like one of us goes to a grocery store every day and we're picking up random odds and ends so that we have enough ingredients to make a meal and we're spending a TON of money that way.

Is it really possible to plan out meals for an entire week and only have one day where you go shopping and then refrain from buying any other food things for the rest of the week? I need to know because right now I'm rationing granola bars and yogurt cups.

In an unrelated genre, our apartment is so cold that when I was in Wal-Mart the other day and saw super ugly fake Ugg boots on clearance for nine dollars, I bought a pair so that I can wear them AS SLIPPERS, because regular slippers for twleve dollars make no nevermind when you can have soft squishy winter marshmallow shoes to wear inside, amirite?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Rustic Salad

The Prince and I recently made a salad of the broccoli variety after discovering that both of us love broccoli and want to eat it for dinner every single night.

I was busy washing grapes while The Prince cut up the broccoli into GIANT pieces that no person would want to eat as just one bite. They obviously needed to be halved and then halved once more.

Needless to say, I complained about the robust florets of broccoli. I was all:

"You need to cut those twice more, they are way too big. You make salad like my dad."

The Prince: "And how, exactly, does your dad make salad?"

Me: "He grabs a tomato, chops it in half and throws it in a bowl. He takes a bunch of lettuce and maybe cuts it once. If he's feeling fancy, you might get hunks of cheese thrown on top. Oh, and it always comes with French dressing. No idea why. He'll present you with this bowl of halved veggies and be all 'I made you a salad!' but that is a lie. Veggies cut in half and placed in a bowl does not a salad make."

The Prince: "I think that counts as a salad."

Me: "It's not a salad if you have to slice it like a steak."

The Prince: "Yeah it is. It's like a rustic salad."

Me: "I'm pretty sure you're stupid."

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Banana Pudding Bonanza

Banana pudding is incredible. I bought a four-pack on the weekend.

I warned The Prince to leave it alone.

When I went to have one, I was feeling generous, so we "shared" it.

This meant that I took humongous bites while offering The Prince little scoops, much like he does to me every time we share a yogurt.

Yeah, we share food. It's disgustingly adorable. Suck it.

When The Prince stole the banana pudding cup out of my hand, I ran to the fridge and got a new one. Then when he tried to steal that one, we ended up almost spilling pudding EVERYWHERE because SOMEONE (not me) was seriously trying to shovel the pudding out of the container with their tongue while I swatted his face away with my spoon.

SOMEONE WAS SERIOUSLY TRYING TO SHOVEL THE PUDDING OUT OF THE CONTAINER WITH THEIR TONGUE WHILE I SWATTED HIS FACE AWAY WITH MY SPOON.

That is all.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Favourite Disney Princess?

Tonight over dinner, The Prince and I were discussing our favourite Disney movies.

The Prince's Top 3:
1) The Lion King
2) Mulan
3) Monsters Inc.

My Top 3:
1) The Jungle Book
2) The Rescuers Down Under
3) The Sword in the Stone

I just realized that our difference in age (three years, and yes I know I'm a cradle robber) is showing through these lists. *Shrugs*

Anyway, the topic of Disney princesses came up.

The Prince: "Who's your favourite?"
Me: "I don't know. Probably Ariel. I loved her as a kid. I had like three Ariel toys that I carried around everywhere."
The Prince: "Really? Ariel? Ariel was your Disney princess jam back in the day?"
Me: "She's a freaking MERMAID."

Interestingly, if you believe in Myers-Briggs personality types, Ariel the mermaid is an apparent near-perfect example of the ENFP (Champion) type.

Guess who else is a tried and true ENFP girl?

Thanks, Disney. My wishes of being a mermaid affected my psychological development. You win.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I Have To Pee

I am now going to talk about bodily functions, but I'll be classy about it if possible. (Not possible, I know.)

In short, I have to pee a lot. Like usually more than 10 times a day. I drink a lot of water, okay?

Anyway, we have a new Brita water filter that attaches to the tap in the apartment. It's been working out quite well for us- much better than arguing about who left the pitcher empty and whose turn it is to go fill it up.

The one flaw is that my bladder is sensitive to SOUNDS, like the sound of a thin stream of water pouring from the Brita filter into a glass or pot.

What I'm saying is that it's impossible for me to get a drink of water without having to go pee immediately after from listening to the sound of the water hitting the glass. This doesn't happen with regular faucets- just this Brita thing.

Every single time one of us uses the filter function:

Me: "I have to pee."

The Prince: "Of course you do. I KNOW THAT YOU DO. You don't have to announce it every single time!"

The kicker is that I always try to use the bathroom before I go to sleep at night to save myself waking up more than once to go in the night.

At night, though? When I really should go?

The Prince: "Where are you going?"

Me: "The bathroom."

Five minutes later...

The Prince: "What took so long?"

Me: "I can't pee."

... Guys, the Brita has trained my bladder. It's like Pavlov's dog and a freaking bell BUT WITH PEE.

Oh Oh Oh It's Magic, You Know-ow-ow...

So since we're without a vehicle, we've been using Kelowna transit to get around the city. This means that the Prince and I spend a lot of time waiting around at bus stops eating full tins of roasted almonds purchased at Wal-Mart specifically for the purpose of being devoured at the bus stop and chugging energy drinks and vitamin waters.

It's pretty cold at night, so often I'll start skipping and dancing around (like a boss) while I'm waiting so that I'm not entirely freezing.

One night, mid-dance, I yelled in a very childish voice: "BUUUUSSSSS! COME FASTER! I COOOLLLDDDDD!"

And the bus came into sight right at the end of the sentence and I laughed like a hyena.

The next day while waiting again for a different bus:

The Prince: "Ugghh where is the bus!"
Me: "I could yell at it again, it worked last time."
The Prince: "You're cute, but I don't have time for your bullshit right now."
Me: "Seriously though, it might work!"
Prince: *glares at me*
Me: "BUUUSSSSS! WHERE ARE YOU BUSSS! COME FASTER! I COLLLLD!"

And once again, the bus appeared like a faithful dog being called by its master and I entered into its glorious warmth crying with laughter because The Prince was so disgusted.

YEAH.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Girl Gets New Sofa...

... and promptly spills salsa on it, an incident for which she blames her boyfriend, because "WELL YOU PUT YOUR BIG GOBBY HANDS IN THE WAY OF THE SALSA AND MY MOUTH."

We have furniture!
But still no laptops!
It's like we're oldskool or something!

Oh but here's your daily tidbit:

On the day we moved, I panicked and decided that we weren't going to be able to fit all of our stuff in a cab, so I called around trying to rent a car. I called Enterprise, and when the lady answered the phone, she said "Enterprise, we pick you up! How may I help you?"

I go through the motions with her and I'm all signed up and set to rent a car and move my things. This took about five minutes of phone time.

Then I say, "Okay so we're at the university campus, that's where you can pick us up."

Lady: "Oh we don't do pick ups, you have to make your own way here."

Me: *Head explodes*

... Apparently when Enterprise is running out of an airport location, they don't do pick ups... SO WHY WOULD THE SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH AND FIFTH words out of their mouth when you call them be "WE PICK YOU UP"?!?!?!

The anger, you guys, it burns.

So we ended up moving all of our worldly possessions in a cab. More on that lataaaa.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

So Guess How My First Day of Work Is Going?

Oh hi. It's my first day at a new job (and I'm blogging already, I know I know) but that's not what I'm here to talk about! I moved into my new apartment yesterday! It. Was. Crazy. But I'm so happy to have done it! I will be writing out the details of the day in full as soon as:

1) I'm not sitting at my new desk supposed to be doing my new job at my new place of employment.
2) The Prince's computer is free of a virus that is making it all sicky sicky and unusable.
3) I HAVE SOME FREAKING FURNITURE TO SIT ON.

I'm such a rebel, amirite?