Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Some things I've said while preparing to move across Canada

OH HI.

Did you miss me?

Jumping right in:

1) "We don't need to take all those hangers home. No, we don't. NO. I am not making room in the Jeep for fifty clothes hangers. Fifty scarves, absolutely, but hangers, HELL NO."

2) "The longer I stand in this tiny shower, the more it begins to feel like a cage of wet. A CAGE OF WET. It's like I'm a cat, and it's early, and I hate water, and now I'm trapped in this horrible CAGE full of WET."

3) "Did you know that we have four kinds of vinegar and also roughly 12 kinds of shampoo? Do you think that's normal? No? Maybe I'm some kind of cheating whore when it comes to vinegar and hair products?"

4) "We are not bringing your 'bottle of ocean' back to Ontario. No. Because it's not a 'bottle of ocean'. That, my dear, is an old water bottle that you filled with stanky ocean harbour water. You've given it sentimental value and I HATE YOU FOR IT."

5) "So I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at that motel I booked. There are no pictures of the rooms online. And it's called "The Beaver Motor Motel". Northern Ontario sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be murdered there. By a beaver."

6) "Oh, let's see... how was my night... OH. I had a breakdown where I cried because my glasses are all scratched up. So then I Googled ways to make the scratches less visible. Then I rubbed toothpaste all over my glasses because that's what the internet said. It didn't work. My glasses are minty fresh but they're still covered in scratches and now MY EYES ARE BURNING."

7) "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. No. No. NO. We are not going to couch surf at your coworker's cousin's house. Because it's insane. What would we do, show up in the middle of the night and be like 'OH HEEEEY. My mother works with your cousin from Ontario that you hardly know. Let us into your home!' We've already agreed to stay overnight with one of dad's buddies from university- I think that's enough awkward for one road trip, okay?"

8) "Why are you laughing so hard? Oh. You sprayed whipped cream directly into your mouth. That's hilarious, sweetie, really. I'm seriously impressed. You're so attractive. I love you. NO, STOP. STOP SPRAYING IT INTO YOUR MOUTH. NO MORE. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS."

9) "Yes. I was alone all day long so I ate the cookies. Packing stresses me out, okay? I am not sorry."

10) "I brought the scissors with me as a weapon. Stop laughing! I was looking at scary things on the internet when you called me to come and pick you up, so on my way out the door I grabbed the scissors. It's dark and stormy out! Scissors would be useful if I ran into a bad guy! ... Well, no, I don't think I could actually stab anyone, but I could probably stab a bear. Or, better yet, since they're scissors, if I came across a bear I'd be like, SNIP SNIP, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T HAVE EARS ANYMORE!"

Much love,





P.S. I would never actually cut off an animal's ears. I swear.

29 comments:

  1. Hahahaha dying. This sounds like a trip we'll be getting any more "that's what I said" posts in the near future.

    Don't stay in Beaver Motor. Sounds like motor boating a beaver - that's no good.

    The www.com also says to put toothpaste on pimples. Since when did toothpaste become a miracle worker?

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    1. Ever since someone used it for Spackle.

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    2. yes... there will be many more "things I said" posts in the near future.

      We've found another place to stay in that area- thank goodness.

      I've done the toothpaste on a pimple thing... didn't work, but that's probably because I put it on at night and then it ended up all over my pillow.

      and- Jen- spackle? Really?

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  2. Oh, how I have missed these posts! I've also forgotten not to eat my lunch while reading them because I almost choke. It's a good thing you didn't tell me the scary hotel was Beaver Motor Motel because I would have INSISTED on you staying there. I want you to stay there, take pictures and then encourage/trick others into staying there. Pretty please?!?!

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    1. I'm glad you almost choked.

      HA.

      Not sure I'm up for the anxiety that the beaver motor will cause me, my dear. Maybe next time I drive across the country, okay? ;)

      Delete
  3. We are getting ready to move twice in the next 6 months. I have the feeling that I will be using many of these phrases and similar over the course of the next 6 months. In fact, I'm seriously considering throwing out all of the hangers and buying new ones when we move out of state in 6 months. Those suckers are the worst things in the world to try and move.

    I hope that you con't get killed at the Beaver Motor Motel... it really does sound like the kind of place where Beaver serial killers lie in wait of traveling vegetarian women.

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    1. KRISTEN. I love this comment. Laughing out loud at that last bit... "it really does sound like the kind of place where Beaver serial killers lie in wait of traveling vegetarian women.".....

      BAHAHAHHAA.

      LOVE.

      Also, totally gave all the hangers away to women I work with. Not using up valuable space for things I can replace for less than 5 dollars.

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  4. This is my favorite post. By far

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  5. Every post you do is my favorite post, but because i am taking full credit for this particular post.. full of hilarious things.. minus the scratches on your glasses.. then this is my favorite post.

    obviously Baylee knows what's up.

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  6. However, if you said "Snip snip, motherfucker," to a bear, I think the bear would back down. Coz no one wants to eat crazy. :)

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  7. Dude, TAKE THE HANGERS. Buying hangers is the WORST thing about moving. They are so overpriced. I've had to frequent garage sales and op-shops to up my hanger population. Like those metal ones with clips, for skirts and pants... never throw those away...

    Also, let the Prince have his bottle of Ocean. You're a heartless bitch.

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  8. Missed your posts! Moving seriously sucks. Packing sucks worse. Packing up a bottle of ocean is just ridiculous! :D

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  9. moving across country is the suck... I should know.. I've done it 5 times already... and I'm with Ruby, take the hangers... I never throw away hangers.

    Oh.. and never stay in a hotel/motel that doesn't show pictures of the room.. I stayed in one in Montreal and it turned out to be on the 2nd floor of a cafe... I had NO tv, 1 small window with NO AC (in the middle of the summer), and the bathroom was DOWN THE HALL! OH.. and no lock on the door.. I'm surprised I didn't get ax murdered.

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  10. A cage of wet. LOL

    I wish my brain came up with some of those witty things to say. If only I had a witty brain. lol

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  11. whahahaha! Wish I had your brain! Or just want to live in it for a day to see what goes on in there!
    http://johced-ourjourneytoeverywhere.blogspot.com/
    xxx

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  12. I have missed your posts!! That sounds like a horrible place to stay, motels are scary as it is. And I love that you brought scissors with you to protect yourself while going to pick up the prince at night!

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  13. Scissors: a totally unexpected and perfect weapon of choice. No one would know what's coming at them then suddenly SNIP SNIP STAB STAB!

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  14. "SNIP SNIP, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T HAVE EARS ANYMORE" I just might quote this FOREVER! It's an instant classic... like "binders full of women."

    Happy Wednesday,
    Emily
    http://partymixtape.blogspot.ca/

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  15. Yay! I've missed you! So you mean to tell me you wouldn't want to stay at the Beaver Motor Motel?! I'm surprised it wasn't called a lodge. Toothpaste is useless. Unless you want to clean your mouth. Then it's amazing.

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  16. I can't stop laughing at "beaver motor motel".

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    Replies
    1. ME EITHER. I want to vacation there immediately.

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  17. You really should have your own TV show.

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  18. I'll see your bottle of stanky harbour water and raise you puppy baby teeth. They moved across the country with us too. With the grown dog from whom they originated. I still have no idea why...

    Happy packing :)

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  19. Oh my God, a cage of wet hahahaha. I'm dying here. And although you'd never cut an animal's ears off, if push came to shove, at least you're prepared. Good luck with the move, hope it goes smoothly!

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  20. My glasses have scratches on them. I think I should turn them into minty fresh glasses like yours.

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  21. YOU ARE COMING TO MY NECK OF THE WOODS!
    This is so exciting.
    I'll leave out the hangers and abortion jokes for now. But just know that they're there. 50 hangers could get you places.

    May you have a safe, colourful, and entertaining journey! And may the Prince have all of his body parts in tact after the adventure is complete.

    See you on the flip side, motherfucker.

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  22. You always make my day that much brighter!

    ♥ Duckie.

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Thanks for commenting, lovely human.