2) "I read an article about a woman going through labour today, and she said it was as if the bottom half of her body was ripping away from the top half. I know you want kids, but we may have to revisit that topic, okay?"
3) "My mom just sent me a text. She's sick right now and she's all upset because my dad is saying she's 'septic' and he won't go near her. Hilarious, no?"
4) "The best part of my day today was when I called Gina and then her cat started talking to her in the background, so I got to listen to her and her cat have a little conversation about the cat's dinner and how it was delayed."
5) "My brother just told me that he's interested in girls, but definitely not in girlfriends. That makes him a dick, right? My little brother is dick. Not surprised."
6) "Okay, I know it's a funny picture, but it's not funny enough for you to be HOWLING like this. Yes, it's a cat, and he's wearing a sombrero and a poncho. What do you mean that's not it? It's because his name is Kyle? Why is that so funny? Calm down! WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY? It's funny because Kyle is a ridiculous name for a cat?! You're insane."
|Kyle in his sombrero and poncho [via]|
7) "What's your Facebook password? I need to go into your account so I can post on Alex's wall about how awesome I am, but then because I'm in your account, it will look like it's YOU telling her how awesome I am. I know it's really not that funny, but it's late and I'm tired and I just want to shamelessly self-promote on someone else's Facebook wall, okay?"
8) "I have to pee, but I can't go alone. I need you to escort me to the bathroom and then guard the door. That last episode of Damages just totally fucked with my sense of safety. I'm positive there's a murderer hiding in this apartment as we speak. Who do we know that would try to have us killed? Anyone? Anyone?"
9) "Moooooommmmmm. The Prince is late AGAIN so I'm standing on the side of the street like a homeless person! I'm so angry! What do you mean he probably has a good reason for being late?!?! Why do you think I just called you, lady? I called you so you'd sympathize with my plight! I look like a bum standing here alone! BE ANGRY WITH ME."
10) "No no no no no no no no no no. NO. No. NOOOOO. We are NOT going camping this weekend. No we're not. No. No we're not. I am not going ANYWHERE that lacks toilets. NO. Remember the last time we went camping?! YOU'RE A BAD BOYFRIEND."