1) "Honey, those pants are too short. Yes they are. I watched you walk into the grocery store and I laughed the entire time. It looks like you're getting ready for the flood. And you know, this is your own fault, because if you'll recall, I'm a terrible girlfriend, so you hemmed your OWN pants, and you made them too short. Ha."
2) "These aren't blueberries. These are blue grapes. There's a huge difference. Yes there is. Eat one, I dare you. YEAH, SEE? They're sour little mofos! I told you so! I knew I shouldn't have sent you into the store unattended."
3) "So the old man in the grocery store just yelled out 'HOW WAS VEGAS, PRINCE HARRY?' and The Prince looked mortified and it was the most perfect moment in the history of ever."
4) "Mom, you can't just go to The Bear's (that's my little brother) workplace in an attempt to recoup all of your Tupperware and cutlery. Sure, he's a shit for never bringing home that purse thing he calls a lunch bag, but I don't think it would go over well if you walked into a giant group of mechanics and said: 'I'm here to pick up my son's lunch dishes'. Just stop feeding him until he brings them home."
5) "Your mom and I were emailing today. She wants to know if you're stressed at all, and if you're taking vitamins. She emails me about these things because she knows if she texts you about them, you'll ignore her. You're a terrible son. Call your mother."
6) "You're shoving me off the edge of the bed! Yes you are! Move over! I don't care if you're trying to steal all the warms! Get off of me!"
7) "DID YOU JUST IMPLY THAT I HAVE A FOOD BABY SITUATION GOING ON?!?! DO YOU WANT TO BE SINGLE?!"
8) "Sweetie! Sweetie! I can hear the landlord's puppies outside! Yes! Let's just go steal them. They can live here with us and be cuddle buddies. They like us better than them anyway. PLEASE? Why not? What if we just borrow them for an extended period of time?"
9) "You're infecting the whole stir fry with that green pepper. If it was a RED pepper, I wouldn't say anything, because red peppers are yummy. The green ones, though? The green ones taste like poop. It's a scientific fact."
10) "Everyone at work today was making fun of me because I don't know how to send a fax, but then I was all 'I'M YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR CHILD, DUMBASSES' and that shut them up."