We tried to go hiking on Sunday.
Before we left, when I was searching the regional park maps on Google, I came across an article about how there have been bear sightings in the park we were planning to go to.
Me: "We need to pick a different park."
The Prince: "If this is one of your ploys to get out of exercising and instead take a nap, I regret to inform you it's not going to work."
Me: "NO, seriously, there are BEARS at that park."
The Prince: "I'm pretty sure there are bears at all the parks in British Columbia, but if you want to pick a different one..."
Me: "I do. I do. Let's go to this other one instead. There's no news reports about grizzlies hanging out there."
So we drove to our second regional park of choice. Upon entering the park limits:
Me: "Are you shitting me right now? There's a sign right there that says there are bears here too."
The Prince: "I told you..."
Me: "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. You know what? I can do this. I can hike with the bears. I'm being brave and adventurous. I'm willing myself to try new things, even if this particular new thing puts me in danger of being mauled by a fucking bear."
The Prince: "Okay, trooper, let's go."
While we were tackling the first five minutes of the trail:
Me: "So we just have to keep talking loudly, right, and then the bears won't come near us?"
The Prince: "Right. Just focus on your steps, you're doing great."
Me: "Did you hear something? I think I just heard something!"
The Prince: "That was just a chipmunk. Okay, GREAT, now you're hyperventilating. Shit. I knew this was going to happen. It's my fault, really. Who takes their anxiety-ridden girlfriend to hike in a bear habitat? THIS GUY."
Me: "I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need to know what the PLAN is, for like, when the bears inevitably attack me. Do we run? Stand still? Scream and cry? I'm kind of leaning toward the scream and cry, to be honest."
The Prince: "You just have to respect the bear. You give it space and back away calmly."
Me: "I RESPECT THE BEARS. I RESPECT THE HELL OUT OF THEM. I respect that this is their home and I am a measly trespasser and that they have every right to eat me. Tell my family that I love them and that this was all your idea."
The Prince: "Will you just calm down? We're on the trail. Humans walk here all the time. I bet the bears never come near this path."
Me: "Stop walking. Oh my god. Oh my god. Shit. Fuck. IS THAT BEAR SHIT? AM I STANDING BEFORE A PILE OF FRESH BEAR TURD? IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?"
The Prince: "Oh, um, yeah. That actually is bear shit. There goes my theory. Sorry sweetie."
Me: "SORRY SWEETIE? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? GUESS WHAT? WE ARE GOING BACK HOME. NOW."
The Prince: "Yeah. I figured as much."
Once we got back to the vehicle:
Me: "So, you do realize you pretty much just led me to a tragic death."
The Prince: "That's not what happened at all, but I do realize that's how you're going to spin the story."
Me: "Just so we're clear."
The Prince: "We could try another park? There's still like seven other places we could hike today."
Me: "Let me be straight with you. The only acceptable course of action for the remainder of this day is as follows: BED, CHOCOLATE, NETFLIX."
The Prince: "YOU ARE THE MOST UNREASONABLE- hey, your phone is ringing."
Me: "Oh heeeey mom. How's it going? I'm goooood. Glad to be alive. The Prince just took me hiking in a bear den. I know, right? Yeah. There was bear poop and everything. What's that? Oh, yes, he'll be sleeping on the couch this evening. Definitely."