Tuesday, September 4, 2012

And then we went hiking and there were bears and one almost ate me but actually not really

We tried to go hiking on Sunday.

Before we left, when I was searching the regional park maps on Google, I came across an article about how there have been bear sightings in the park we were planning to go to.

Me: "We need to pick a different park."

The Prince: "If this is one of your ploys to get out of exercising and instead take a nap, I regret to inform you it's not going to work."

Me: "NO, seriously, there are BEARS at that park."

The Prince: "I'm pretty sure there are bears at all the parks in British Columbia, but if you want to pick a different one..."

Me: "I do. I do. Let's go to this other one instead. There's no news reports about grizzlies hanging out there."

So we drove to our second regional park of choice. Upon entering the park limits:

Me: "Are you shitting me right now? There's a sign right there that says there are bears here too."

The Prince: "I told you..."

Me: "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH. You know what? I can do this. I can hike with the bears. I'm being brave and adventurous. I'm willing myself to try new things, even if this particular new thing puts me in danger of being mauled by a fucking bear."

The Prince: "Okay, trooper, let's go."

While we were tackling the first five minutes of the trail:

Me: "So we just have to keep talking loudly, right, and then the bears won't come near us?"

The Prince: "Right. Just focus on your steps, you're doing great."

Me: "Did you hear something? I think I just heard something!"

The Prince: "That was just a chipmunk. Okay, GREAT, now you're hyperventilating. Shit. I knew this was going to happen. It's my fault, really. Who takes their anxiety-ridden girlfriend to hike in a bear habitat? THIS GUY."

Me: "I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need to know what the PLAN is, for like, when the bears inevitably attack me. Do we run? Stand still? Scream and cry? I'm kind of leaning toward the scream and cry, to be honest."

The Prince: "You just have to respect the bear. You give it space and back away calmly."

Me: "I RESPECT THE BEARS. I RESPECT THE HELL OUT OF THEM. I respect that this is their home and I am a measly trespasser and that they have every right to eat me. Tell my family that I love them and that this was all your idea."

The Prince: "Will you just calm down? We're on the trail. Humans walk here all the time. I bet the bears never come near this path."

Me: "Stop walking. Oh my god. Oh my god. Shit. Fuck. IS THAT BEAR SHIT? AM I STANDING BEFORE A PILE OF FRESH BEAR TURD? IS THIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?"

The Prince: "Oh, um, yeah. That actually is bear shit. There goes my theory. Sorry sweetie."

Me: "SORRY SWEETIE? THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? GUESS WHAT? WE ARE GOING BACK HOME. NOW."

The Prince: "Yeah. I figured as much."

Once we got back to the vehicle:

Me: "So, you do realize you pretty much just led me to a tragic death."

The Prince: "That's not what happened at all, but I do realize that's how you're going to spin the story."

Me: "Just so we're clear."

The Prince: "We could try another park? There's still like seven other places we could hike today."

Me: "Let me be straight with you. The only acceptable course of action for the remainder of this day is as follows: BED, CHOCOLATE, NETFLIX."

The Prince: "YOU ARE THE MOST UNREASONABLE- hey, your phone is ringing."

Me: "Oh heeeey mom. How's it going? I'm goooood. Glad to be alive. The Prince just took me hiking in a bear den. I know, right? Yeah. There was bear poop and everything. What's that? Oh, yes, he'll be sleeping on the couch this evening. Definitely."

Yours truly,

33 comments:

  1. Hahaha!! this is hilarious!! i would love to see bears! your so lucky to live near to them!! :)

    love your stories!!

    Jen xxx

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    Replies
    1. you would love to see bears?

      YOU BE CRAZY, GIIRRRRL.

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  2. Umm yeah thanks but no thanks. I would shrivel up into a ball and cry, most likely in the bear shit, if I ever saw one near me. Bed and chocolate - sign me up.

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    Replies
    1. yeah. you can come watch netflix with me in bed. I'll share my chocolate, and when we run out of treats, we'll send The Prince out to get more.

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  3. Loved the back up plan. Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a guilt trip. ;) I mean really, if a tragic near death bear mauling doesn't qualify, what does?

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    1. Exactly.

      He bought me a blizzard from dairy queen, so then I was less pissed.

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  4. YOU POOR GIRL. Seriously, bear poop right on the "human" path...way to go guy! And this is proof nature isn't always so beautiful and great...but your bed always is, always!

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    Replies
    1. hahaha yes. great point. bed is always best.

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  5. A blizzard from Dairy Queen will soothe ANY pain. I just had a turtle pecan blizzard myself on Sunday. It cured so many things for me that day!

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    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure therapists should prescribe blizzard treats.

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  6. I would have felt exactly the same. I would have pooed myself just a tiny bit.. xx

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  7. Replies
    1. no, because he wore them! he's such a little shit.

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  8. Oh dear. You would not do well in Jasper. There are plenty of bears around these here parts!

    Also, where in B.C. are you? I grew up on the ol' Island myself and then lived in Kelowna for five years.

    And on another note, Twisted Ice Tea is a malted beverage that tastes exactly like iced tea. It's delicious. You should try it.

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    Replies
    1. We are in Kelowna, but we've only been here for 8 months, so BC life is still pretty fresh. Definitely not used to having bears around- we're from southern Ontario.

      also- malted beverage? tastes like iced tea? sign me up.

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  9. hahahah damn. I just wouldn't have gone. Mostly because that whole plan involved exercise.. but bears and exercise!? fuck that!

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    1. hahahaah yeah... lethal combo for sure.

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  10. "Shut your whore mouth" is one of those things we say in my house. I'm happy to see that it has more widespread usage!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh yes. you can count on me to use all of the inappropriate phrases.

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  11. You should have taken some bear spray. Not sure if it really helps, but it'd be worth a shot.

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    Replies
    1. I actually mentioned it on the way there, but The Prince told me it wouldn't actually save us from anything... it's like a placebo thing? Who knows.

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  12. UM, YIKES!!! I love to go hiking, but there are no bears where I hike...not that I know of anyways! GREAT, NOW I'LL BE ON THE LOOKOUT! Thanks for scarying the begeezus out of me!

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    Replies
    1. hahah, Sheena, I'm sorry. Make sure to "Be alert"... that's what all the bear signs said...

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  13. Everyone calls you paranoid until you actually prove that you were right to be paranoid.

    I'm on your side. I'm not going anywhere that has had bear sightings. I can't run fast.

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    Replies
    1. hahahha. so true.

      I can't run fast either. Never thought it would be so worrisome.

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  14. The visual I got when you said bear hang out here was not at all frightening. In my head they were sitting at picnic tables enjoying a beer. So next time think of that and you will be fine.

    Hugs!
    Kara
    ShawnKaraAndHeidi.blogspot.com

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  15. We have a lot of wild animals that can be scary near my home town (wolves, moose, black bears, mountain lions), but no way in hell would I want to wander around where there are grizzly bears. No thank you.

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    1. yeah..... grizzly bears are kind of a deal breaker.

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  16. I'm trying to decide if I would prefer to run into a bear or a big awful snake while hiking. I've decided I can't decide, and that I will NEVER be able to go out bush walking next summer here in the desert. At least bears won't attack you on jogs around the city??
    Yuk. Join a gym.
    <3

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    Replies
    1. yeah.... walking/jogging on city streets is so boring! I just want to enjoy nature! nature without ANIMALS THAT MIGHT KILL ME.

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  17. Love it. Love the fact you told him to "shut your whore mouth!" if you dont mind im gonna nick that and use it in everyday life. best thing I've ever heard! glad your ok and that no bears harmed you or were harmed in the making of this blog lol

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Thanks for commenting, lovely human.