My mother called me at work yesterday:
Me: "Hi mom. You know I'm still at work, right?"
My mom: "Yes, but this is important."
Me: "Okay. Go ahead."
My mom: "Well. You know Michelle*, the younger teacher I work with?"
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent victims of my mother's actions.
Me: "Yes, of course. I've talked with her many times. She's friends with a bunch of people I know."
My mom: "Right. Yesterday, she was telling me about how she went to a wedding last weekend and that she had tried for months to come up with a good date to take, but she didn't find one. She ended up bringing her gay best friend."
Me: "I see no issues with that scenario. Gay best friends make the best wedding dates."
My mom: "I didn't say there was an issue, I'm just saying that I know Michelle is looking for a boyfriend; she's lonely and I just think she's such a sweet, nice girl."
My mom: "She even adopted a dog so that she would meet new people at the park, and it's not working!"
My mom: "So, you know your friend Jason? I drove by his work about an hour ago on my lunch and this plan just jumped into my head! I want to set Michelle up with Jason! Jason is such a nice guy! And isn't he 31? Michelle is 31! And they both like dogs!"
My mom: "Jason is looking for a girlfriend, right? I remember when he came over in the summer he said he was thinking about online dating! Michelle has been talking about that too, so I figure I can save them the trouble and just introduce them!"
My mom: "Maybe I could invite them both over for dinner? Your dad and I can ease them into the idea of going out?"
Me: "Whoa whoa whoa. You know there's not a chance in hell that dad is going to help you with your shenanigans."
My mom: "You're right. Your father is such a mean old thing. Anyway, I need you to text Jason and see if he's interested. Tell him she's cute. She's cute, right?"
Me: "Sure. Cute. But you're not hosting dinner, mom. If they want to meet up, they can go to a bar like normal people who date. You sitting them down at the kitchen table for a meal sounds terrifying."
My mom: "Did you just say that I'm terrifying?"
Me: "Not exac-"
My mom: "Just be helpful, okay? Text Jason. I'll make sure Michelle is okay with me giving out her number. Go test the water and then report back to me."
Me: "You are not the boss of me, lady."
My mom: "AND AFTER ALL THE THINGS I'VE ONE FOR YOU..."
Me: "Fine! Fine! I'm texting Jason! I'm texting him right now!"
My mom: "Right, and then call me back! I'm so excited!"
With a slow head shake,
P.S. I'm still a newbie on Twitter so there's lots of potential for you to see me embarrass myself on there. Find me @princeandprozac.