Thursday, September 6, 2012

And then I compared myself to a beluga whale

Last night, while lying in bed:

Me: "I'm starting to feel like a beluga whale."

The Prince: "What?"

Me: "You know, a beluga whale. Big, pasty, and full of blubber."

Like these guys.

The Prince: "Sweetie, don't say things like that."

Me: "Seriously dude, the insides of my thighs feel chaffed right now, and I'm pretty sure all I've done today is walk aimlessly around Wal-Mart and the grocery store."

The Prince: "What? When did you go to Wal-Mart?"

Me: "This morning after I dropped you off at work. I needed toning shampoo for my formerly blonde hair because an article I read a few days ago suggested that maybe my hair is brassy as fuck."

The Prince: "Oh. Did you get the shampoo?"

Me: "No. I felt too icky. I bought a bag of goldfish crackers instead."

The Prince: "Really."

Me: "Yeah. They're kind of my go-to binge food."

The Prince: "Oh, I'm aware."

Me: "It was the beluga whale thing, you know? It was in my head when I bought them. Well, and I guess it was in my head when I ate them all, too. I actually ate them all. I don't even know how it happened."

The Prince: "Kitten, it's okay."

Me: "Do beluga whales in the wild eat goldfish? I bet they totally do. It's official, my beluga status is certified."

The Prince: "I'm going to get your running shoes. We're going for a jog."

Me: "But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?"

The Prince: "I don't care. I'm way more concerned with the fact that you think scarfing down an entire bag of goldfish crackers is the solution to thigh chaffing and feeling icky."

Me: "DON'T SAY SCARFING. That sounds so disgusting, it makes it sound like I poured them into my mouth or something."

The Prince: "And did you?"

Me: "No! I may have eaten the whole bag, but I ate the whole bag LIKE A LADY."

Sincerely,

45 comments:

  1. Haha...I ate the whole bag like a lady made me laugh out loud!

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  2. HAHAAH chaffing thighs don't make you a creepy looking whale. And how adorable, he calls you "Kitten"...I just died a little for how sweeet that is.

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  3. I love goldfish crackers. We used to have a HUGE container of them (think...gallon size) when the kid was little. I think I ate 3/4 of the box.

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  4. There are way worse things to eat than Goldfish -- even if you did in fact eat the whole bag...

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  5. BAHAHAHAHA!!! It's SO easy to eat an entire bag of those. They're disgustingly delicious. My go-to snack food too. And Pringles, original of course. I love that he called you kitten. He's so cute.

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    1. I know, right? It didn't even take any effort. Oh and pringles original... yum.

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  6. "But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?"

    Totally spit out my water. Because I started wondering why my thighs haven't started forest fires.

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    1. hahah! I take full responsibility for any and all water-spitting.

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  7. We can ALWAYS count on you to act like a lady if nothing else. No wonder you suggested I fix my day with gold fish the other day.

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  8. HAHAHAHA! Beluga whales are cute, but still, this was hilarious.

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  9. Goldfish is a totally acceptable snack because it's filled with air inside so technically you ate air =)

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  10. This post had me laughing from beginning to end. "But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?" I had to stop for a few minutes till i finished laughing before I could read on. I think that about my thighs all the time x

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    1. hahahhaahah. I'm glad you enjoyed this one!

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    2. I enjoy them all they are brilliant!!! so funny you really cheer me up when im down DONT ever stop

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  11. No joke, my mom used to buy me cheddar goldfish for my birthday and wrap them up as presents. B/c they were too much of a fancy snack for our generic house and I was deprived, obviously. I think her plan backfired, b/c those things are like crack to me now. I polish off an entire bag in ten minutes...I might even be guilty of tipping the bag down my throat. Like a lady though, of course.

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    1. this story is hilarious... and I love your honesty. Go you, ahha.

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  12. Total relief when I read that you ate the goldfishies like a lady LOL

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  13. You probably also could have won the argument by making whale noises and/or singing the Baby Beluga song.


    (now I really want goldfish crackers.....)

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    1. hahahah whale noises! I must remember this for next time...

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  14. I'm feeling pastey and full of blubber lately too. Hence why I got Jillian Michaels thirty day shred. Wanna know how many times I've done it in the last thirty days? Four. 4. FOUR.

    I mean if I actually did it then it would cut into my eating time. And that obviously can't happen

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    1. obviously not, no. nothing can interfere with eating time.

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  15. At least you didn't bait each goldfish with a gummy worm. Which would have been my temptation.

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  16. Yes, lady-like is an attribute we can not only aspire to, but achieve! Just not today, it's been brutal...so I had fish & chips instead of the lady-like soup & salad ('coz the soup du jour left me cold, if you must know -- corn chowder?!?!).

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    1. ewwww corn chowder.... your fish and chips choice is justified.

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  17. At least they're kinda cute!! haha For the record: you are not a whale. lol

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    1. haha. the belugas are cute, yes. and thanks, haha.

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  18. oh goldfish... mmm. and it's still ladylike if you eat them a handful at a time!!

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  19. Ummm that is why I can't buy goldfish. I, in a very unlady like way, can eat a whole bag. It's awful...but so awesome at the same time... :)

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  20. I love goldfish. At least you ate them like a lady.

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  21. The thing is... beluga whales don't have thighs!

    And your prince really is a prince, bless his heart.

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    1. yeah, I suppose you are correct :)

      he is, some days... some days.

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  22. Goldfish crackers are the best binge food on the planet. And my manfriend hates them, which makes them even better, because I don't have to share.

    Beluga whales are adorable. And comparatively skinny when you think about whales. Better a beluga than an orca.

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    1. I would love it if I didn't have share my goldfish with The Prince.

      hahhha... "better a beluga than an orca" :)

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  23. This is a fantastic post. You’re too cool.
    - Addy

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Thanks for commenting, lovely human.