Me: "I'm starting to feel like a beluga whale."
The Prince: "What?"
Me: "You know, a beluga whale. Big, pasty, and full of blubber."
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| Like these guys. |
The Prince: "Sweetie, don't say things like that."
Me: "Seriously dude, the insides of my thighs feel chaffed right now, and I'm pretty sure all I've done today is walk aimlessly around Wal-Mart and the grocery store."
The Prince: "What? When did you go to Wal-Mart?"
Me: "This morning after I dropped you off at work. I needed toning shampoo for my formerly blonde hair because an article I read a few days ago suggested that maybe my hair is brassy as fuck."
The Prince: "Oh. Did you get the shampoo?"
Me: "No. I felt too icky. I bought a bag of goldfish crackers instead."
The Prince: "Really."
Me: "Yeah. They're kind of my go-to binge food."
The Prince: "Oh, I'm aware."
Me: "It was the beluga whale thing, you know? It was in my head when I bought them. Well, and I guess it was in my head when I ate them all, too. I actually ate them all. I don't even know how it happened."
The Prince: "Kitten, it's okay."
Me: "Do beluga whales in the wild eat goldfish? I bet they totally do. It's official, my beluga status is certified."
The Prince: "I'm going to get your running shoes. We're going for a jog."
Me: "But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?"
The Prince: "I don't care. I'm way more concerned with the fact that you think scarfing down an entire bag of goldfish crackers is the solution to thigh chaffing and feeling icky."
Me: "DON'T SAY SCARFING. That sounds so disgusting, it makes it sound like I poured them into my mouth or something."
The Prince: "And did you?"
Me: "No! I may have eaten the whole bag, but I ate the whole bag LIKE A LADY."
Sincerely,
Haha...I ate the whole bag like a lady made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that!
DeleteHAHAAH chaffing thighs don't make you a creepy looking whale. And how adorable, he calls you "Kitten"...I just died a little for how sweeet that is.
ReplyDeletehaha. Yeah. He does call me kitten.
DeleteI love goldfish crackers. We used to have a HUGE container of them (think...gallon size) when the kid was little. I think I ate 3/4 of the box.
ReplyDeleteno shame. none.
DeleteThere are way worse things to eat than Goldfish -- even if you did in fact eat the whole bag...
ReplyDeletethis is true, this is true...
DeleteBAHAHAHAHA!!! It's SO easy to eat an entire bag of those. They're disgustingly delicious. My go-to snack food too. And Pringles, original of course. I love that he called you kitten. He's so cute.
ReplyDeleteI know, right? It didn't even take any effort. Oh and pringles original... yum.
Delete"But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?"
ReplyDeleteTotally spit out my water. Because I started wondering why my thighs haven't started forest fires.
hahah! I take full responsibility for any and all water-spitting.
DeleteWe can ALWAYS count on you to act like a lady if nothing else. No wonder you suggested I fix my day with gold fish the other day.
ReplyDeleteyeah... they're contagious. I'm sorry.
DeleteHAHAHAHA! Beluga whales are cute, but still, this was hilarious.
ReplyDeletethanks, girl!
DeleteGoldfish is a totally acceptable snack because it's filled with air inside so technically you ate air =)
ReplyDeleteI love me some technicalities.
DeleteThis post had me laughing from beginning to end. "But what about my thighs? What if they spark up and start a fire?" I had to stop for a few minutes till i finished laughing before I could read on. I think that about my thighs all the time x
ReplyDeletehahahhaahah. I'm glad you enjoyed this one!
DeleteI enjoy them all they are brilliant!!! so funny you really cheer me up when im down DONT ever stop
DeleteNo joke, my mom used to buy me cheddar goldfish for my birthday and wrap them up as presents. B/c they were too much of a fancy snack for our generic house and I was deprived, obviously. I think her plan backfired, b/c those things are like crack to me now. I polish off an entire bag in ten minutes...I might even be guilty of tipping the bag down my throat. Like a lady though, of course.
ReplyDeletethis story is hilarious... and I love your honesty. Go you, ahha.
DeleteTotal relief when I read that you ate the goldfishies like a lady LOL
ReplyDelete:) haha
DeleteYou probably also could have won the argument by making whale noises and/or singing the Baby Beluga song.
ReplyDelete(now I really want goldfish crackers.....)
hahahah whale noises! I must remember this for next time...
DeleteI'm feeling pastey and full of blubber lately too. Hence why I got Jillian Michaels thirty day shred. Wanna know how many times I've done it in the last thirty days? Four. 4. FOUR.
ReplyDeleteI mean if I actually did it then it would cut into my eating time. And that obviously can't happen
obviously not, no. nothing can interfere with eating time.
DeleteAt least you didn't bait each goldfish with a gummy worm. Which would have been my temptation.
ReplyDeletesuch a great idea.
Deletefuck my life.
Yes, lady-like is an attribute we can not only aspire to, but achieve! Just not today, it's been brutal...so I had fish & chips instead of the lady-like soup & salad ('coz the soup du jour left me cold, if you must know -- corn chowder?!?!).
ReplyDeleteewwww corn chowder.... your fish and chips choice is justified.
DeleteAt least they're kinda cute!! haha For the record: you are not a whale. lol
ReplyDeletehaha. the belugas are cute, yes. and thanks, haha.
Deleteoh goldfish... mmm. and it's still ladylike if you eat them a handful at a time!!
ReplyDeletetrue dat!
DeleteUmmm that is why I can't buy goldfish. I, in a very unlady like way, can eat a whole bag. It's awful...but so awesome at the same time... :)
ReplyDeleteyour sentiment is shared, my dear :)
DeleteI love goldfish. At least you ate them like a lady.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is... beluga whales don't have thighs!
ReplyDeleteAnd your prince really is a prince, bless his heart.
yeah, I suppose you are correct :)
Deletehe is, some days... some days.
Goldfish crackers are the best binge food on the planet. And my manfriend hates them, which makes them even better, because I don't have to share.
ReplyDeleteBeluga whales are adorable. And comparatively skinny when you think about whales. Better a beluga than an orca.
I would love it if I didn't have share my goldfish with The Prince.
Deletehahhha... "better a beluga than an orca" :)
This is a fantastic post. You’re too cool.
ReplyDelete- Addy