1) "Dad, you're being unreasonable. It's not my fault that you don't know how to properly decorate your own bulletin boards in your own classroom. I can't come home from Kelowna to help you get ready for the first day of school. Just go to the craft store by yourself. It will be okay. It will. No, you can't just cover the boards in old newspapers."
2) "I hurt my back while I was washing my hair. I'm certain that our shower is trying to kill me. Also, I might be eighty."
3) "Today at work, I read the plot descriptions of all four of the Hannibal Lecter movies. I've always been too chicken to watch them, but I was curious, so I read about them in detail. As it turns out, that was a bad idea. I'm too fucking terrified to go to sleep right now."
4) "Eating mint chocolate chip ice cream is not the same as brushing your teeth. No. It's not. I don't care how minty it is."
5) "I had the weirdest dream. There was this cat, and it kept attacking my arms. I'd try to fling it off me but it was latched on. And then there was a giant cake fight; people were smashing cake all over. And then I was swimming, but I was swimming in concrete, not water. Did you get me stoned last night without me noticing?"
6) "Did you just ask me if Stevie Nicks was in the band Styx? YOU ARE THE DUMBEST PERSON ALIVE. What do you think, they go together because they RHYME? Unbelievable. Honestly, sweetie, this is the worst question you've ever asked anyone, I guarantee it."
7) "I don't have any granola bars in my desk. No, I don't. Okay. Fine. I do. I have a granola bar, but that's not what this phone call is about. This phone call is about you going to get me a bagel. With cream cheese. And then delivering it to my work. A granola bar is not going to cut it."
8) "THEY HAVE WATERMELON BEER. I don't even like beer, but the fact that this beer is watermelon flavoured makes me feel like I have to buy it. A whole case. And then when I don't like it, I'll make you drink the rest. Sound good?"
9) "Let's go to Vancouver this weekend. It will probably only cost us my whole entire paycheck, but I see no issues with this. Also, there's a Tiffany store there. I know because I looked it up."
10) "You said you'd give me a back massage, but you didn't. You dumped some cream on my back, slopped it around with one hand and then you fell asleep. Oh, and for the record, it's not true that candles make everything romantic. I know you think it is, but it's not."