1) "Hi mom. Yes, that is a good price for Larabars. Yeah. You should buy them. Okay. You DO realize it's like 5am for me right now, don't you? Calls at 5am are for when someone is dying, not for when you see Larabars on sale."
2) "Can we just have ice cream for dinner? Ravioli sounds good, sure, but ice cream is really all I want."
3) "Did you SERIOUSLY just drop that baking sheet on the floor in protest? What are you, four? I fear for our future children. They are going to be the most stubborn, disrespectful little shits ever created."
4) "I just need you to be quiet. I'm sorry it's taking me more than 30 seconds to pick out a good conditioner, but this is important to me like cereal selection is important to you, so shut up."
5) "You are an hour and a half late. AN HOUR AND A HALF. Don't tell me my anger is unreasonable, jerkstore, just take me home and make me dinner. And buy me a cherry slushie. Now."
6) "Noooo. That wasn't the alarm, you're making it up. I'm not going. I'm
not going to work today. Or tomorrow. Or ever. I'm saying in bed. Throw
the box of Cheerios over here before you leave, okay?"
7) "SCREW THIS. It's 4am. She (our landlord's teenage daughter that lives above our apartment) is still playing that same sad, stupid song. I don't care if she just got dumped, can you PLEASE go up there and tell her that NOBODY CARES? She's 14. Breakups don't warrant this behaviour when you're 14. She is not going to have a good time when she's 20."
8) "I'm sorry, sweetie, but if you're going to eat tuna, you're going to have to do it outside."
9) "Did you steal my lip balm? Are you sure? Why are your lips so smooth? Why are you smirking? Are you trying to be pretty again?"
10) "You just said that the peanut butter cookies I made for you are MUSHY.
'Mushy' is not a positive descriptor in my book, so you're sleeping on
the couch tonight. That's how things work here. It's like that old
saying, you know? If you don't have anything nice to say, YOU SLEEP ON