Things I said when I was shopping for a new car

1) “No, don’t really care about fuel economy. I’m more interested in the sound the engine makes, you know? Like does it sound mean and beefy, or does it sound like there’s a sewing machine under the hood? That’s the kind of thing I care about.”

2) “I will not buy a silver one. No. Because I’m not NINETY.”

3) “How many speakers does it have? Please say more than six. I know it sounds douchey, but speakers are important.”

4) “I hate hatchbacks. Hate them. I will not even test drive one. They can’t seriously tell me that the sedan and the hatchback are the same car. I get that they have the same insides, but I’m shallow, okay? The sedan is so nice and sleek… the hatchback, though? Hell no. Not happening. I am too cool for that shit.”

5) “Do the back windows go all the way down or do they stop halfway in the name of ‘safety’? If they do that, I don’t like them. I think that feature is stupid. I don’t have babies, and even if I did, I don't think they would fall out of the windows.”

6) “I don’t think this is the right car for me. When I was driving it down the mountain, I sort of felt like it was about to swerve and fall off the side of the road at any moment. It was not a good time."

7) “What do you mean there are no heated seats? Aren’t bum warmers like a standard thing now?”

8) “SWEETIE. SWEETIE. THE CUP HOLDERS HAVE AMBIENT LIGHTING AND I CAN CHANGE THE COLOUR OF THE LIGHT WITH A BUTTON. LOOK, THEY’RE GREEN. NOW THEY’RE PINK. NOW BLUE. THIS IS THE PERFECT CAR.”

Like this! [via]

9) "My dad would shoot me if I parked this in his driveway. Or he'd park his truck directly on top of it and claim that all he saw was a pile of shit in the way."

10) “You just want the Avenger because it sounds like a superheroes reference. News flash: IT'S NOT."

Vroom vroom,