Things I said this weekend

Here you go, guys:

1) "You know that every time we come to this liquor store, you pull on the door instead of pushing it like you're supposed to? Every. Single. Time. And every time you do it, I think it's hilarious. I'm positive the people who work here think we're alcoholics because you can't open a door correctly and I am constantly giggling."

2) "I don't know what you think Mod Podge does, exactly, but it's not going to fix the fact that you just TORE A HOLE IN MY ROLLING STONES POSTER, YOU ASSHOLE."

3) "Did you just put Arby's sauce on your eggs? How the hell do we even own that? Are you a sauce-packet hoarder? The look on your face is telling me 'yes'. Shit. I'm living with a sauce-packet hoarder."

4) "I know it's one in the morning but I can't sleep. I think I'm gonna go shave my legs."

5) "You can't just take an entire pizza, roll it up and call it a "pizza wrap". Calling it a pizza wrap makes it sound sort of delicate, which this thing is not. What you've got there is AN ENTIRE PIZZA, rolled up. Oh, did you just burn your mouth? SERVES YOU RIGHT."

6) "Why does it smell so fresh and fruity in here? Are you using my body wash again?"

7) "Holy crap. You're seriously taking hair product to work in one hand and coffee in the other. No one ever believes me when I say that you're more high maintenance than I am, but this is the proof. Stand still, my camera phone can't take good pictures when you're walking that fast."

8) "I totally still haven't told my mom about my ankle incident. When I told you that you had to tell her, I was serious. For the record, I am still serious. We're going to be face-to-face with my mother in T-minus four days. I suggest you make a phone call."

9) "What do you mean there's nothing vegetarian on the menu here? They have ice-cream. Ice cream is absolutely vegetarian."

10) When my mom called and asked me what The Prince was doing: "Well, he's asleep on the couch right now, napping. I think it's an accidental nap, though, because he's got this huge pile of freshly-washed kale in his lap."

Happy Monday,