I live at home right now (sure, it’s pathetic, you say, but I’m rich because I don’t have to pay rent and you aren’t so shut up) and my younger brother recently moved home from school to spend the summer.
My mother is always the odd one out. My dad, brother and I like to say that “she’s not part of our fun”, because she usually isn’t. She’s a hilarious woman overall and can pull off some of the best one-liners I’ve ever heard, but in general, she doesn’t match the sarcasm or wit level of her spouse and offspring. She has to find creative ways to beat us at our games.
Anyway, my mom does all the grocery shopping for our house. For as long as I can remember, the standard cheese at our house has been “old cheddar”. Sure, there’s occasionally cheese of the feta or cream variety, but there’s always a block of old cheddar somewhere in the fridge.
My brother is a total bear when it comes to people messing with his food and the way he likes it. (Ooh, foreshadowing!)
So one day, I come downstairs and hear my brother badgering my mom, saying something like “Mom! What is this stuff on my sandwich? It tastes awful!” And my mom defends herself and says it’s just cheese, only it’s a mild kind and she got it because it was on sale, and he’s just whining because he’s not used to it yet.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the cheese in question:
|The "Shit Cheese".|
I would like to point out the description of this cheese, as found on the brand’s website, just so you can see that they use the word FIRM twice (and incorrectly, might I add):
“Cheddar is a firm, smooth to somewhat grainy firm cheese made from cow’s milk that is orange to white in colour. Mild and slightly acidic, like buttermilk, mild, medium, or strong in flavour depending upon age. Medium cheddar has a light nutty flavor” (www.silanicheese.com)
First of all, that hardly makes any sense. Second of all, having had the punishment of sampling this cheese, I can assure you that THE CHEESE IS NOT FIRM. It’s soft, like… almost tofu-esque.
However, my mom was convinced that my brother was just exaggerating, so she bullied me into trying a piece to prove it was fine. I took one little piece, and, well, that shit was gross. It tasted kind of sweet. There was a hilarious rant about how it's "not right" to RAISE A FAMILY on good, normal cheese and then just expect to pull of a switch to SHIT CHEESE and not have anyone take a stand against the madness.
My mother, still unconvinced and calling both her grown children babies, ate some herself. Her facial expression quickly became one of both disgust and defeat.
So my brother and I laughed a lot and reigned victorious over the sucky cheese incident. But not for long.
Enter sucky cheese incident number two.
My mom made a really nice casserole that she makes fairly regularly and that everyone enjoys. I was the first person to have any, and immediately upon taking my first bite, I yelped:
“MOM! YOU PUT THAT DEMON CHEESE IN HERE!?!”
Because you could taste it RIGHT AWAY. It had infected the whole thing!
But my mom was all, “Shh, shh, your brother is coming! Shh!”
So my brother takes some casserole and sits down at the far end of the table. Perfect, I think. I have front row seats for what is sure to be a prime example of him in bear-attack mode. I set down my fork (because really, I wasn’t going to eat that stuff) and settled in for a good laugh.
And boy was I right.
He takes a bite of the casserole. I see my mom watching him intently. His face immediately scrunches up in a “oh wow that tastes really not good” sort of way while he reaches for his glass of milk. After a long and contemplative swig, he begins his attack…
My Brother: (Talking like he’s a criminal investigator) Hey, mom. Why does my casserole taste funny? Any idea? Any idea why that might be?
My Mom: Nope, no idea. I made it how I always make it.
My Brother: (Volume of his voice escalating at an alarming rate) Really? That’s weird. Are you sure there’s no SHIT CHEESE IN IT?
My Mom: (Trying not to laugh) Well…
My Brother: So you admit you kept the shit cheese, even though I hated it last week. And then you plotted to use it against me, in something I enjoy, hoping I wouldn’t NOTICE?!
My Mom: (Laughing) I did my best.
My Brother: YOU TAINTED SOMETHING I LOVE WITH THAT CHEESE!
My Mom: Calm down! I had to use it; I couldn’t just throw it away! I mixed it in with two other kinds of cheese! There are three kinds of cheese in there! Not just the shit cheese!
My Brother: (Taking a pause and a sigh for dramatic effect) Okay. Imagine you’re making cookies that have three kinds of chocolate in them. You put in milk chocolate, white chocolate, and SHIT. Guess what, mom? YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO TASTE THE SHIT.
And we will never have “shit cheese” again. The End.