Wednesday, March 14, 2012

IN THE FACE.

I got a new car last year. Brand new. During one of my first weeks of ownership, my family and I used it to go out to dinner and a movie.

You see, even though her children are 22 and 20, my mom likes to pretend that we're still interested in "Family nights", which usually mean a drive to the city (oh, ow, I am so small town right now), dinner at a place my mom chooses, and a movie at a theater. She tells us that she wants to do these things because "We are a good family." My brother and I grudgingly agree to attend such events only after my dad promises us he'll pick up the tab AND that we're allowed to order booze.

So one Friday night the four of us take my car and go have beer with a side of dinner. Then we choose which movies to see. It worked out that my dad and brother were going to see a movie that started later than the one my mom and I were going to watch. The plan to make this work went as follows:

I would take my car keys into the movie with me. My dad and brother would continue to be in my car until they had to go get seats for their movie, at which time they would lock my car using the interior buttons. The movie I was in would end first, so that's why I needed my keys- my mom and I would need somewhere to go. Once the guys' movie was over, they would meet us at the car.

During the previews for the movie, I noticed that my phone had like 7 missed calls when I double checked that the volume was off. I thought it was weird, but honestly, I didn't really care.

Anywho, after the movie I get into my car and its info system notifies my that there has been "THEFT ATTEMPTED". I check my voice mail to find multiple messages from my brother which went like this:

*My car's alarm is blaring the entire time he's talking* "I HATE THIS FUCKING CAR. *other people walking past the vehicle can be heard* DAD. DAD. DON'T TOUCH IT, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH IT, HOLY SHIT. THIS IS DUMBEST VEHICLE EVER MADE. *my dad can be heard in the background trying to shut up both the car and my brother* THIS IS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING. HONESTLY. HONESTLY, IF I HAD A GUN RIGHT NOW I WOULD SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE. IN THE FACE."

I guess he had been trying to call me to ask for the keys to make the alarm stop and then was so overcome with rage that he forgot he was on the phone with me every single time my voice mail picked up, so what we was saying wasn't really FOR me, but just what he was thinking in general. Like a super-angry pocket-dial.

Needless to say, my mom and I spent the time waiting for my dad and brother to get out of their movie replaying the above voice mail and crying with laughter. When they got to the car, my mom advised me to say NOTHING about the incident because my brother is a BEAR. Her exact words were: "Don't poke the bear."

Half-way through our 50 minute drive home, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I looked over at my brother, with whom I was sharing the back seat, and said:

"So heeeey, you know that time we were talking about the stories we plan to tell at each others' weddings? I think I have a new one to add to my list for yours."

And then my brother tried to murder me in the back seat of my own vehicle. To this day, he refuses to touch my car, which, if you ask me, kind of rocks. Coincidentally, my mom has stopped asking us to go out for dinner and a movie "like a good family."

4 comments:

  1. I literally laughed out loud....in my desk chair...at work. This is hilarious and sounds like something my family would do! :) Thanks for the mid day cheer up sesh!

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    1. So glad to know you liked the post, I was a little worried it might be one of those "had to be there" stories!

      I have been meaning to read your blog for over a week but for some reason at my work... where I read blogs... in my desk chair... yours is blocked by our filters. It's happened with a few other ones I read, too- I'll be sure to give yours a read when I'm at home later :)

      Thanks for reading, so glad you commented!

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    2. This is HILARIOUS! Thanks for making me laugh!

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    3. Anytime, Grace! Thanks for reading :)

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Thanks for commenting, lovely human.