Remember that one time I was all "I have anxiety disorder"? No? Click here. In that post I sort of grazed over the fact that I have an eating disorder too, because I am a wild party. (10 points for anyone who can guess that song without the help of a search engine.)
Anyway, I'm so sorry to deviate from my regular playfully-complaining-about-boyfriend-like-a-boss posting style. Today, guys, I'm talking about an eating disorder. Binge Eating Disorder.
The title of this post is something I have googled so, so many times. Times when I’ve been in denial, times when I’ve been confused, times when I’ve been on the couch with a whole box of cookies, and times when I haven’t eaten in days.
I’ve never found a clear answer.
I’m not saying that I can offer one, but I have some thoughts to share.
I began to understand that my issues with food, weight and body image were more than just binge eating and more like binge eating DISORDER when my thoughts involving the issue began to take over my life. I lost control of my ability to take over my thoughts- binging was no longer a question, it was a habit that owned me. It was a drive, a need, a medication. I began to need to eat to save myself from feelings that I didn’t even know how to explain.
This still happens to me. I’ve been living this way for over four years, with the situation becoming progressively worse. I have not found my solution. I have not beaten down my own demons.
What I really want to say here, though, is the single most important thing I’ve learned about having an eating disorder:
IT IS MOST IMPORTANT THAT YOU ACCEPT ALL OF WHO YOU ARE. YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE TALENTED, SMART, CAPABLE- WHATEVER THE HELL YOU ARE- YOU ARE ALL OF YOURSELF. ALL OF YOU INCLUDING BEING A PERSON WHO HAS AN EATING DISORDER.
Basically, you need to own that shit. You need to own the fact that you have a disorder; you should talk about it if you can, and you should try your hardest to still live your life the way you’ve always dreamed of.
Because with an eating disorder, you will feel an extremely strong compulsion to shut everything down- you’ll want to shut down your friends, school, job, and hobbies- everything. You can’t do that. You do that, the disorder wins. The disorder doesn’t get to win- it doesn’t get to take over your life. You can live your life while you’re learning to take over your disorder. It is possible.
Live your life. Be an awesome person, a stellar student, a total biotch, a girlfriend, a great friend… who has an eating disorder. Because the sooner you accept it, tell the people you love about it, and start to hate IT instead of hating yourself all the freaking time, you’ll feel better. I think.
I think, because I haven’t won this battle yet myself. This advice is just as much for me as it is for anyone else.
Do not be ashamed of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I know it’s hard. It is so. fucking. hard.
I think that part of knowing that you have an eating disorder is not knowing how the hell to stop it.
And when all else fails, watch old Disney movies until your eyes hurt. Try The Sword in the Stone. Works for me.
Don't you just love when the hardest advice to live by is your own?