Wednesday, February 15, 2012

About Starting a New Job

1) You will never remember all the names you're told throughout the first week, let alone the first day. You will very often gesture in the general direction of a co-worker's desk when you can't remember their name. You will look like an idiot.

2) You will be terrified of the lunch room. You will spend time worrying over what shelf to put your yogurt on in the fridge. You will stress about the fact that your soup might splatter all over the inside of the microwave when you heat it up. You will bring your own spoon even though there is a full drawer of cutlery for staff use.

3) You will cause yourself pain trying not to pee even though you HAVE TO and the washroom is RIGHT THERE but you already went five times today and you don't want people to think you pee a lot, even though you totally do.

4) If given any sort of privilege (like, for example, borrowing your boss' vehicle to take to a business meeting) you will not even let yourself go get a tea while in said vehicle out of fear that SOMEONE MIGHT FIND OUT and WHAT IF YOU SPILL IT? You will also leave about a 6 kilometre safety distance between the giant truck you're cruising in and the vehicle ahead of you. When you accidentally squeal the tires as you pull out onto the highway from your place of employment, you will curse loudly and wish you were dead.

5) You will ponder filling up your water bottle the whole way while at the water cooler because your water bottle is on the large side and you don't want be thought of as some kind of water hog, so you just fill it half way to be safe.

6) You will have no idea how to use the phone on your desk and you will be terrified of it when it rings and red lights flash at you and the world is ending oh my god.

7) You will be hyper-sensitive to any hint of other people talking about you because you're the Newbie. You will try to smile at everyone and if they don't smile back every time they pass your desk you will assume that they hate you and wish you would die.

8) You will be concerned with how much work you do because you are definitely an overachiever but you're paranoid because what if you do too much good stuff right away and then everyone around you expects that until the end of time? What if that happens and then you want to start slacking but you're trapped in this cycle of being a good employee and it's your own entire fault?

9) Your necklace will make noise when you walk around and your boots are SO LOUD were they seriously always that loud? You'll be positive that you sound like a one-person stampede walking across the floor and that everyone can hear you coming and automatically dread the dumb questions you are coming to ask them.

10) You will redeem yourself from all of the above listed fears by blogging at work like the bad ass you know you are.


  1. This is me too!! I'm starting a new job soon... I've got all this to come- Yey!


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