Monday, March 18, 2013

Some things I said last week

1) "I know I said I wanted a mixed fruit muffin, but now that I'm eating it, all I can think about is how much I want a banana muffin."

2) "You guys can't make fun of me for not realizing that she's pregnant! I'm the only female employee here who has never been pregnant! The rest of you know all the signs! You guys saw her boobs getting bigger and were all 'Ooooh we know what's up!' and for me, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Hmm. Must be a new push-up bra...'"

3) "Ugh. Tonight, I am going to a country music concert. THERE'S a thing I never thought I'd say. This will be a night that even vodka can't save."

4) "Sooooo today I lost my job, accidentally ate bacon in some dip aaaaaaand I just stepped in cat vomit FUCK MY LIFE."

5) "WHY would you tell me that I sound weird when I page people? You've just given me a complex! From this point on, whenever I have to page someone, my heart is going to race and I'm going to start sweating, and it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT."

6) "If you bring me an ice cream sandwich, I might let you watch Top Gear. Might."

7) "I can't count change. Really. Well, I can, but it would be best if you didn't watch me do it. Trust me, when I'm forced to count change or, worse yet, to give someone correct change, I freak out. I don't know why, considering I DID make it through the first grade."

8) "We were out until 2am last night. On a weeknight. Playing boardgames. BOARDGAMES."

9) "Well, the company I work for is closing, so all of the employees need to find new jobs. Some people have resolved to work productively until the last day we're in business, while others have resolved to be an hour late for work every morning and not give a single fuck. Guess which team I'm on, bitches."

10) "Did you just refer to me as being 'white girl wasted'? Why? I might be white, but I am so not wasted. I think I might throw up, though."

11) "I just ran into my best friend from the third grade... and she kissed me... on the mouth. Happy St. Patrick's Day, motherfuckers."

Yours truly,

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Some things I've said semi-recently

To a coworker: "You know, jewelry is always a great gift. I'm just saying, like, if I was you, and I had a girlfriend, I would get her jewelry. No woman in the process of opening a Tiffany box is going to be thinking 'Fuck, this is a terrible gift'. If you get your girlfriend a gym membership, though? Fuck you, you are awful. Seriously."

To my mother: "Mom! You can't put yoga pants in the dryer! The dryer is where yoga pants go to die! How do you not know this?! You DO yoga. I do NOT do yoga and I know about the dryer thing. You just lost your status as the Laundry Czar. Nope, no more. You've been demoted. Hand me that detergent, you're done here."

To my dad: "You can take my car, sure. Just know that the fee for using my car is a tank of gas. Yep, a tank. And the floor mats need to be vacuumed. Because you have money and I do not and you like cleaning and I do not and I got places to be, man."

To a Service Ontario employee: "Right. I understand what you're telling me. What I'm asking you, though, is if you agree that this entire thing is a money grab. The tone of your voice is telling me you agree, but I need to actually hear you say the words 'money grab'. It will make me feel better. Not even kidding."

To my Aunt: "You know, I may be vegetarian, but even I am not capable of overlooking the fact that you were in charge of the gravy for Christmas dinner and you forgot it. You will pay dearly for this crime when the carnivores realize what you've done. Prepare yourself."

To a friend: "I just ran into my ex boyfriend from highschool, and now he's just STANDING AROUND on the other side of the street, all casual like, and I am hiding in a shitty bookstore. Behind a shelf of shitty books. Because I can't breathe. And you know what? I dumped him. Seriously, though, why is he standing there? And did you hear that he mentioned where I work? HE TOTALLY LOOKED ME UP ON THE INTERNET. And then he asked me what I was doing over the holidays! Because he wanted to hang out! Where is The Prince when I need him!? I didn't even get to play the 'I am in a loving relationship' card! I didn't get to shove my awesomeness in his face, and it's infuriating! Shit, I am 17. I AM 17 AGAIN. MY LIFE IS A SHITTY MOVIE."

To The Prince: "I cannot believe that your dad gave me an injured cottontail bunny call. It's like he went into the hunting store with the intention of getting me a duck call as a gag gift, but then decided that INJURED BABY BUNNY NOISES would be more terrifying to me, and therefore more entertaining for him. Hilarious, really."

To a friend: "I was just thinking how hard it would be for me to be vegan because I'd have to live without egg salad sandwiches. And then I remembered that there's vegan mayo- it's called veganaise, I think? And I got really excited because vegan mayo would make being vegan so easy, right? I could have MAYO, and therefore also have egg salad! And then I remembered that egg salad is made of EGGS, which, DUH, and then I felt stupid. BECAUSE I'M STUPID."

To a friend: "When it comes to OTC drugs, I am totally in the dark. I'm like, oh, Tylenol? And The Prince's whole family laughs at me and are like HERE, TAKE THESE MAGIC THINGS, MIX 'EM ALL TOGETHER, IT'LL BE FINE! And see, this blows my mind. I took some Benylin the other day and then The Prince's dad made me Neocitron and I was like, "Oh, thanks, but I can't take that because I just took something else." And he just looked at me like I was dumbest, most annoying person ever. He's like, "WTF, woman, take the drugs, you are clearly suffering!" And I'm like "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT THE BOX SAYS" Neocitron is going to murder me."

To a friend: "I am such a bitch when it comes to eBay. I'm all 'Oh, you outbid me? WELL I WILL INSTANTLY OUTBID YOUR SHIT BID BY TEN DOLLARS, MOTHERFUCKER.'"

To The Prince (and later, to a friend): "I went pee... and there was glitter."

Most sincerely,

Thursday, November 15, 2012

And then The Prince did a very bad thing

Last night while The Prince was ironing some of his work clothing:
Me: "What tie are you wearing tomorrow?"
The Prince: "Well, I was going to wear that new one you got me."
Me: "The awesome stripey silk one?"
The Prince: "Yeah, but..."
Me: "...But?"
The Prince: "Well, I washed a bunch of my dress shirts yesterday, and I guess that the tie was still on my black shirt..."
The Prince: "It was an accident! I'm sorry!"
Me: "This is an emergency! Where is the tie now?!? I'll Google to see if there are any ways we can save it! If not, you're dead meat."
The Prince: "Well, it was all crinkled."
Me: "Yeah, it would be. That's what happens when stupid people put silk in washing machines."
The Prince: "... So I ironed it..."
Me: "YOU IRONED IT? Did you put cotton between the iron and the tie?!?! Did you turn the heat setting down?!?!"
The Prince: "...No?"
Me: "UUUGGGHHHH. YOU. YOU ARE BAD. Clueless and also BAD."
The Prince: "It's just a tie, and in other news, I am not a dog."
Me: "It was a BEAUTIFUL TIE, and now look at it, it's all dull and icky looking!"
The Prince: "I know. I made a mistake."
Me: "Yes you did. You know what wouldn't be a mistake, though?"
The Prince: "What?"
Me: "It would not be a mistake if I accidentally on purpose STRANGLED YOU WITH THIS TIE."
The Prince: "I was thinking we could use it as a blindfold. You know, silk tie, blindfold? Hmm? Hmmmmmm?"
Me: "No. Just, no. You are a silk-spoiler and I don't like you very much right now."


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

And then there was a list and something about velour pants

1) You know how sometimes, you want exactly what you don't have, and you want it in the worst way, but then once you actually have that thing you're kind of like "Oh. Shit. I clearly just wanted that particular thing because I DIDN'T HAVE IT RIGHT THAT SECOND."? You guys. Being home is kind of like that.
2) I say "kind of", though, because in some ways, being home is marvelous and right and home. I had no idea how much I'd missed visiting and chasing The Prince's youngest brother (he's 10) up the stairs to the bathroom to start an epic teeth-brushing race. NO IDEA.
3) The drive across the country was mostly awesome. By that, I mean The Prince is still alive and he also still loves me (I think). Both of those things were put at high risk during that trip: Life & Love = IN SERIOUS DANGER. That's just what long roadtrips do, or, well, what I'd been told they do. In reality, we had a lot of fun, lost our audio-book virginities, ate a lot of pretzels and went pee in a lot of gas station bathrooms.
4) The one major hitch with our trip was the day we came across BOULDERS on the Trans-Canada highway before the sun had even come up. The Prince swerved the Jeep to miss the first bunch, then, of course, hit a huge one. The rock destroyed two tires and two rims, and we were 50 kilometres from the nearest tire shop. Please take a second to cry at the expense of that crap on my behalf. The full hysterics of this event should really be a whole post, so sit tight. For now, let me start by saying that there was a lot of "How have we managed to entirely avoid hitting any moose, and then, wait a second, no, FUCK YOU, EXHAUSTED TRAVELLERS, here's a BOULDER. In the middle of the ROAD. Beause I'm the Trans-Canada and I'm HILARIOUS. And there's no cell service, because fuck you even more."
5) The Prince and I have started new jobs. We both work at the same company now, and oh goodness can you even imagine. I've already made sure that all of our coworkers are aware that A) I wear the pants in this relationship and also B) I'm the funny one.
6) We are living in limbo. We spend most nights at The Prince's parents' house, mostly because we're allowed to be in the same bed there. We're not allowed to be alone in the same room together at my parents' house, let alone the same BED. Also, my dad refuses to heat our house properly because he's a jerkstore, so my choices for sleep are 1) Become an icicle or 2) Cuddle with The Prince. Seems like an easy choice, right? You'd think so, but toss in The Prince's awful cold that's been working as a premium-grade SNORING AMPLIFIER and you've got a whole other thing goin' on.

7) I went to our small town's new WalMart last night at 10:45pm while wearing velour sweat-like pants, a paint-speckled hoodie that says "HOCKEY" on the back of it and a plaid pair of slippers. I am fashionable as fuck.

Lots of love,

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Some things I've said while preparing to move across Canada


Did you miss me?

Jumping right in:

1) "We don't need to take all those hangers home. No, we don't. NO. I am not making room in the Jeep for fifty clothes hangers. Fifty scarves, absolutely, but hangers, HELL NO."

2) "The longer I stand in this tiny shower, the more it begins to feel like a cage of wet. A CAGE OF WET. It's like I'm a cat, and it's early, and I hate water, and now I'm trapped in this horrible CAGE full of WET."

3) "Did you know that we have four kinds of vinegar and also roughly 12 kinds of shampoo? Do you think that's normal? No? Maybe I'm some kind of cheating whore when it comes to vinegar and hair products?"

4) "We are not bringing your 'bottle of ocean' back to Ontario. No. Because it's not a 'bottle of ocean'. That, my dear, is an old water bottle that you filled with stanky ocean harbour water. You've given it sentimental value and I HATE YOU FOR IT."

5) "So I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at that motel I booked. There are no pictures of the rooms online. And it's called "The Beaver Motor Motel". Northern Ontario sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be murdered there. By a beaver."

6) "Oh, let's see... how was my night... OH. I had a breakdown where I cried because my glasses are all scratched up. So then I Googled ways to make the scratches less visible. Then I rubbed toothpaste all over my glasses because that's what the internet said. It didn't work. My glasses are minty fresh but they're still covered in scratches and now MY EYES ARE BURNING."

7) "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. No. No. NO. We are not going to couch surf at your coworker's cousin's house. Because it's insane. What would we do, show up in the middle of the night and be like 'OH HEEEEY. My mother works with your cousin from Ontario that you hardly know. Let us into your home!' We've already agreed to stay overnight with one of dad's buddies from university- I think that's enough awkward for one road trip, okay?"

8) "Why are you laughing so hard? Oh. You sprayed whipped cream directly into your mouth. That's hilarious, sweetie, really. I'm seriously impressed. You're so attractive. I love you. NO, STOP. STOP SPRAYING IT INTO YOUR MOUTH. NO MORE. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS."

9) "Yes. I was alone all day long so I ate the cookies. Packing stresses me out, okay? I am not sorry."

10) "I brought the scissors with me as a weapon. Stop laughing! I was looking at scary things on the internet when you called me to come and pick you up, so on my way out the door I grabbed the scissors. It's dark and stormy out! Scissors would be useful if I ran into a bad guy! ... Well, no, I don't think I could actually stab anyone, but I could probably stab a bear. Or, better yet, since they're scissors, if I came across a bear I'd be like, SNIP SNIP, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T HAVE EARS ANYMORE!"

Much love,

P.S. I would never actually cut off an animal's ears. I swear.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

And then The Prince adopted a gun rack

While putting groceries in the back of the Jeep:

Me: "What the fuck is that?"

The Prince: "That's my new gun rack."

Me: "You don't own any guns..."

The Prince: "Okay, well, you know how you see all those things on Pinterest, and then you're like 'Let's get a giant wooden spool to use as a coffee table?'"

Me: "Yes..."

The Prince: "Well, I found this gun rack at work the other day. Apparently a customer left it and no one else wanted it. I thought maybe I could put it in the back of the Jeep as an organzier, so I adopted it and now it's a repurposed-gun-rack-organizer."

Me: "Let me be straight with you. This thing is a piece of shit and we're getting rid of it. Now."

The Prince: "NO we're not. It holds things perfectly! Look how it's cradling this cereal box! It's an ideal Jeep accessory."

Me: "It takes up so much space! AND it's BABY BLUE. Some hillbilly slapped together a few hunks of wood, painted the whole thing baby blue and called it a gun rack, and now, thanks to your profound stupidity, this atrocity has made its way into MY LIFE."

The Prince: "I'm keeping the gun rack."

Me: "NO. We need all the space in the back of the Jeep to carry my things home to Ontario, and believe me, that gun rack is not coming with us. I'm leaving it on the side of the street for a freegan to pick up."

The Prince: "Maybe I'll just get a gun for the gun rack, and then what will you do?"

Me: "Honestly?"

The Prince: "Honestly."



Friday, October 5, 2012

And then there was an announcement and also pictures because I'm struggling with words

My anxiety is kind of kicking my ass these days.

Oh, and the binge eating?

Yeah, that too.

In other, happier, news:

I've landed a new job (!) that I'll be starting in a month.

And by the time I start that job, I'll be living back home in Ontario again.

This is beautiful, wonderful news.

Yes, The Prince is coming home with me.

...It's almost like he loves me or something.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend,

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

And then I told a cop that The Prince's Jeep is a piece of junk

On Friday afternoon I was shopping with my friend Nora.

I had dropped The Prince off at work earlier in the day so that we would be able to drive around in his Jeep.

This, my friends, is the Jeep that I've named "baa baa bad Jeep".

Because it's such a hunk of junk.

Anywho, I'm driving the Jeep, and we're approaching a busy intersection.

I was about to make a left turn.

And then the Jeep just stopped.

It shut off.

It was done.

Nora and I exchanged glances and started to laugh nervously.

I grabbed my phone and called The Prince:

Me: "HEY. Your piece of shit Jeep just SHUT OFF."

The Prince: "That's what happens when you turn the key toward you."

Me: "THIS IS NO TIME FOR FUNNY. I'm serious, I'm in the middle of an intersection, the Jeep is stopped, I can't get the keys out, I can't turn them, I don't know what to do."

The Prince: "Okay, calm down."


The Prince: "Did you-"

Me: "Holy shit, there's a cop, I gotta go."

So then this cop pulled up behind me and came to the window:

Cop: "What's going on here?"

Me: "I don't know, it just shut off, can you help me? I'm sorry I'm holding up traffic."

Cop: "I can take a look."

Me: "Thank you, thank you."

Cop: "Oh."

Me: "What's wrong?"

Cop: *fiddles around, starts Jeep with no issues*


Cop: "You know you have to put a vehicle in park to start it, right? You still had it in gear."

Me: "Crap. I know that. I can't believe I just did that. I'm sorry. I don't know why it stopped."

Cop: "Well, I'd like to know why it stopped. That's kind of an issue."

Me: "It's not my Jeep, it's my boyfriend's. I think it's a piece of junk."

Cop: "Oh. Okay. Move along, then."

So then I got back in the Jeep:

Me: "Nora, we are not going to tell The Prince what actually happened here. We're not telling him that I didn't put it in park. This whole ordeal is all his fault. We're going to say that the cop did something magical to make it start."

Nora: "Okay. I'm on board with the plan."

And then later, when we picked The Prince up from work:

Me: "Hi sweetie."

The Prince: "Hey guys."

Me: "So, I hate your Jeep."

The Prince: "You couldn't start it because it was still in gear, am I right?"

Me: "No, you're not right."

The Prince: "I know I'm right. The truth is written all over your face and even Nora's face."

Me: "It wasn't still in gear!"

The Prince: "Yes it was."


With embarrassment,